Please pass this news along to your alleged friends, your imaginary buddies in high places and all those blowhard relatives who say they know somebody who knows somebody who could maybe get you a backstage pass to the next Air Supply concert.
Help me get the word out: I am lowering my speaking fee from $100,000 to $75,000 per speak.
I know, it’s crazy. But really, how much money do you need in this life before you disconnect from reality and strut around like you can pay your monthly mortgage or buy a hardback copy of the Baseball Encyclopedia?
Patrick A. McGuire, running a bit of a ‘tude
Be apprised that my decision has little to do with the fact that, to date, I’ve had no $100,000 speaking gigs. This is an environmentally responsible decision—think of the green ink and paper saved by printing 25 per cent fewer $1 bills.
Yes, some cynics will say “You don’t get paid in cash, you idiot, and if you did, it wouldn’t be in $1 bills. They deposit the money electronically into your account.” To this I say “What is your point?”
My credentials as a speaker go without saying. I’ve been speaking my entire life — except for those rare times when I was forced at gun point to listen to somebody else. And I’ve got to tell you, some of the things I’ve said aren’t bad at all.
That’s because I have learned over the years to carefully think a few words ahead of opening my mouth so that my ululations are transpicuous, intelligible and apprehensible. My motto has always been “Two out of three aint bad and sometimes one out of three — except for transpicuous, whatever that means — will do the trick.”
Cynics may doubt that I have any specific or general area of expertise on which to base a talk for 75k or even 75¢. I laugh at this, especially the 75¢.
Suffice it to say that I have been here and I have been there. I have been around the block and I have crossed the street at the light (holding the crossing guard’s hand). I have been up to the attic and down to the basement. I have been in and I have been out. And except for a few scary moments when I’ve squinted at the bad man through my fingers, I’ve kept my eyes wide open.
The ultimate proof, of course, is in the pudding (anything but plum). So here are some of my more popular speaking topics — keeping in mind I’ve yet to actually write or deliver any of these speeches.
• “Staring You In The Hind End.” If you’ll just open your eyes, brilliant ideas will bite you in the butt. Example: Twitter could increase profits by .0357 % simply by changing their maximum character count for tweets from 140 to 145 — which just happens to be an increase of .0357%
• “Use your green head” Here I reveal how we can all reduce our carbon footprint by carrying little umpire brushes and/or wearing stilts.
• “Pay your mortgage” Earn extra money for things like food, root canals and high speed internet by giving short, snappy speeches on just about any topic for $75,000 a pop. No experience necessary.
• “First, get a million dollars.” Find out how easy it is to buy things with a million dollars. Need a hot tub? Two hot tubs? Non problemo. Need another 2,000 coffee mugs? Need a double-wide? Want friends? Just write a check. (Warning: checkbook, million dollars and reading/writing abilities required.) This is 100% environmentally safe. No need to kill a million trees for your million dollars as it will just be an ever-diminishing number in your bank account.
For a limited time only, buy one of these speaking engagements and get one free.*
If you call me in the next ten minutes you will receive, absolutely free, a recorded reading of the famous Zimmerman Telegram of January 19, 1917, from German Foreign Secretary Arthur Zimmermann to the German Embassy in Mexico City.**
*Same speech, same location, same audience. Void in North Dakota and Birminghampton, N.Y.
**Telegram is in code. Have fun.
©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2014, all rights reserved.
For years I told jokes on street corners for tips, dreaming of one day owning a granite counter top. No luck, so I entered a monastery. I now do stand-up at daily prayer services. The monks' vow of silence means they can't laugh. I can't even laugh, although sometimes I sob quietly in the can. This blog is a cry for help. Send money or granite. I accept Pay Pal.
a hint of light 
I’ve been waiting for something like this to come on the market. Can’t wait to hear your first speech!
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Me too
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Zimmerman ist ein n fehlt.
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n
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I am sure the requests will now come pouring in. Do you have a booking agent? Or just a bookie?
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There’s a difference?
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You’ll let us know when you get the venue booked, right?
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Yes, of course. In fact, I can sell you tickets right now at the bargain price of $75,000. Two for $100,000. Oop, there’s the phone. Could be a gig.
Pat
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No problem send me your name, address, social security number, date of birth, checking account and routing numbers and I’ll clean you out. I meannnnnn ummmm I’ll get that check in the mail. Bwah ha ha ha
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So savvy, so cruel.
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Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!
I would appreciate if you checked my blog as well. It’s a lifestyle and entertainment blog.
https://randomplethora.wordpress.com/
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I’ve been to your site and while I do not care for snakes, I love your title–random plethora. (Glad to hear snakes don’t change into humans.) Keep writing. Your plethora is very original.
Pat
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Thank you so much for checking my blog 🙂
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I’m impressed a gun to your head made you temporarily stop your speaking career. They tried that with me and I found myself with a chunk of skull missing.
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Well, amybaby, somebody had to be brave and I’m glad it was you. Long ago I had a choice between being brave and silly and was brave enough to pick silly. Hope the hole in your head doesn’t cause a whistling sound when it’s windy. That can be annoying. If so, pack in a dab of Durham’s rock hard water putty. All the brave people use it.
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I’ve been told it’s a slight problem. But considering how well my speaking career is going if it starts up, I just talk louder. Works like a champ and forces more people to listen. Win-win.
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I’m definitely booking a seat in the front row! But if you plan to smash watermelons and things like the comedian Gallagher during your speech, please provide a poncho so I won’t get wet.
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed! Enjoy the ride.
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Thanks for your comment, eagle-eye. Your blog intrigues. You’ve highlighted some worthwhile books. I especially liked your Anna Anderson piece. BTW: I don’t have a poncho I could lend you at my next speaking gig. I’ll simply use a smaller melon, although I may just throw them.
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I’ll remember to duck if you’re throwing smaller melons.
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You have inspired me, sir. I read this a realized: I too have been here and there. So why not me? I will be starting my speeches at $74,999 (a girl’s got to be competitive in this marketplace).
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So the price wars begin. This could get ugly.
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hdjx
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Not sure if I agree with your comment. I think you’re being a little hard on Yuccerman. He didn’t mean it. I’m sure. I’ll call him and find out. By the way, I found your note a little overwritten. I’d lose the d.
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我是中国人
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Wow, I did not know that.
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FYI: A good, all around comment is “That’s amazing” depending on the situation and the inflection, it could mean any thing. It could be a thoughtless response because you don’t want to take your eyes off the paper. It could be the appropriate response when someone asks if her pants make her bum look big. Or it could be the amazing response when your nephew does his fabulous belly flop.
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You have opened my eyes to things I never imagined. That is amazing.
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这是一个奇怪的说法。你确定你是中国人吗？
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Excellent question. I’ll think about it.
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Awesome.I adore your style of presentation..
http://expertbloggertricks.blogspot.com
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And I adore anyone who adores me. It’s a long standing policy.
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Always looking for other funny humor blogs, I enjoyed it good job.
huishtrevor.wordpress.com
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There are others?
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There are others almost as funny as yours!
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That was the right answer. You have gained the next level.
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Hilarious ; thanks. I needed that !
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And I needed your comment. Thanks sally
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Reblogged this on therealkingdev and commented:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/smell-like-money-single/id696238217
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Thanks for the reblog. Don’t think I’ve ever said that before, although I have said “Thanks for the rebar.”
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That’s awesome
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/smell-like-money-single/id696238217
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Hmmmm I am going to try this. I have a lot to talk about, I just hope that I don’t faint at the podium again.
PS: Congratulations!!
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You can always use the fainting as a draw, even getting people to bet on how soon into your talk you conk out. I’m sure you could get a nice cut of the gate. If they have a gate. Some places just have a tent flap.
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Oooohhhhh the possibilities are endless!!!
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Loved it. I just reduced my speaking fees in a LinkedIn post. Can I republish this on my blog: walizahid.com
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Thanks for the note. Go ahead and republish and thanks for asking. Also, take the rest of the day off.
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Patrick – I took the day off first, and then published your wits as Guest Blog here:
http://walizahid.com/2014/08/exciting-news-my-speaking-fee-reduced-25k/
Please let me know if anything needs to be changed.
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You, sir, are a gentleman and a scholar. Looks great. Thanks, mucho.
Pat
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Thanks Pat. You can say this and a hi to people at my blog too – under your post 🙂
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I had just instructed my administrative aide to hire you at $100,000 when you blog got FPed. Makes it seem like I’d be hiring a cut-rate speaker. So “cancel that” I told her. Maybe when you get your prices back up we can talk.
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Sir, I am most definitely a cut rate speaker and demand an apology, or a $100,000 gig on behalf of all other cut rate speakers out there.
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Hmmm….could you speak on “How to make a $100,000 Apology?” And will you take a check drawn on my Nigerian bank account? I’ll have to make it out for $200,000 (some kind of foreign exchange regulation, not something to worry about). You can cash it and then just transfer the extra dollars to me.
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Great blog. I make people laugh with lots of my speaking. Could I too be a public speaker?
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Sorry, I took the last available slot.
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Made me laugh. Thanks!
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Thanks, DL. It’s what I do. Some people sell cars, some people print counterfeit money, some people take naps. Actually, a little known fact: when not making fun of things I also take naps.
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Are you looking for a support speaker? Happy to take the role… only $25K 🙂
I am capable of speaking on a variety of topics from Academic Research to how to get permanent marker off white walls and I spin a decent yarn 🙂
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I’ll keep your name on file. For an extra 25k I’ll actually put it in the file.
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Pingback: Exciting news: my speaking fee reduced $25k / Wali Zahid
Hilarious!!
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I don’t know which made me laugh more, reading your post or your responses to people’s comments. But without your post, there would be no comments to respond to. See how quickly I cut thru the chicken and the egg thing here? You’re immensely funny. I admire, respect and yes, revere that.
Stephanie
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Well, I do like being revered, so thanks. Keep it up. BTW: I admire your skill at killing the chicken. I can only hope that you did the egg over easy. It’s better for them that way.
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I will speak and work for blog followers. 🙂
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May the force be with you. BTW: Any chance you could also sing?
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I would, but I don’t want to cause permanent deafness in blog followers! 🙂
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So thoughtful, although you could just use your inside voice.
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My singing voice is so bad that it causes deafness at any volume!
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Guten Start in die neue Woche wünsch ich 😉
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Vielen Dank und vielen Dank für den Besuch der Website.
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I found myself laughing at both the post and your responses to the comments. Your wit is fantastic!
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Sorry, you can only laugh at one or the other. Laughing at both is extra
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Now I’m following you (ignore the clicking of my tap shoes)….. Do I get to pick the color of my pony?
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Ohhhh, I just mailed out the last one. But we’re having a mixer next week for boy horses and girl horses, so, assuming something clicks (it better; have used a horse dating service that is not cheap) we may be getting in a new supply. Keep your hooves crossed.
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Reblogged this on edgarmelocosta.
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Edgar, thanks for the reblog.
Pat
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