Have you ever found yourself so angry you wanted to drop the F-bomb on someone? But you knew if you did, some little weasel would wag a finger at you and say “I’m telling.”

You know it will eventually get back to Sister San Quentin who, of course, is long dead, but still so intimidating that even Mr. Big (who had her in kindergarten) didn’t have the nerve to send her to the suburbs.

This, in spite of St. Peter saying “If you let her in, you can just get yourself another pearly gate-keeper.” Which is why St. Bismuth now handles all inquiries at the front portico while Pete juggles the idiotic prayers of fantasy football players.

Look, the last thing you need is a dead nun grabbing you by the hair and breathing on you (after all, it’s why you’re practically bald). Yet your anger, your honor, your contempt of congress demands a stinging rebuke to whoever dared to disrupt your pursuit of happiness.

Not to worry. What follows is a list of stinging, salty barbs you can easily substitute for F-bombs and other foul balls. They are guaranteed to give you anger-defusing satisfaction while offending no one. Plus, they give your hair a chance to grow back.

“What the…” F-bomb substitutes
• Frigg, frack, frick, farouk, freak, fripp, frapp, freep, fongool

“Are you out of your…” F-bombing substitutes
• Frigging, fracking, fricking, farouking, freaking, fripping, frapping, freeping, fongooling.

Note that these words can easily be combined into a cluster F-bomb
• Who the frick-frack is Balenciaga, you fongooling frapp?
• You freaking, fripping, farouk-head.

Go ahead, tell me those babies won’t sting.

Traditionalists, of course, may complain that these substitute words stray too far from the original intent of the F-bomb, i.e., encouraging someone to immediately go out and do the deedley-do with either oneself or someone else, whether human or beast.

Non problemo: One can simply shout “go sexual-intercourse a goat.” Notice how sexual- intercourse here is no longer a weak noun but a very punchy and stinging tractor-trailer verb.

Other possibilities include “Get the boingity-boom out of here.” “Go eat raisin bran with a dead walrus.” And “Why don’t you do the Macarena with an aardvark?”

Here are some general bad language clean-ups. Enjoy!

You are full of…
• rapidly expanding beans
• fossil fuel
• after dinner mints
• bad burritoes
• blarbola

Holy…you did what?
• Holy crackers and cheese
• Holy Madagascar
• Holy Mary, mother of Larry
• Holy moo moo

Mother of God!
• Mother of Stonewall Jackson!
• Mother of Vlad the Impaler!
• Mother of Pope Curly!
• Mother of Bob!
• Mother of the man who put the ram in the rama rama dingdong!

What the…
• cherry credenza
• pork loin
• soft shell crab
• Wal-Mart
• Garbanzo
(See also Poop, above)

Rather than risk a lighting bolt from on high with “Jesus, Mary and Joseph!” try:
• Larry, Moe and Curly Joseph!
• Fatso, Ratso and Pee Wee Herman!
• Peter, Paul and hairy Mary!
• Many, Moe and Jackson Pollock!
• Hickory, dickory, Doctor Kevorkian!

All-purpose epithets
• Bobdammit
• Well I’ll be a beaver without portfolio
• Dang-doodle-doofing-dorf
• Kiss my dog and call him Walter
• Go sit on a tuffet
• Drink my hair without ice
• Eat my sweat socks tartar

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2014, all rights reserved.