• Why do things like antlers and lawn furniture and Swedish meatballs come out your nose when you go into a coughing jag?

• Why do they call the Secret Service secret when we already know it’s not a secret?

• Will there be ice cream when we’re dead? Not talking about the post-cemetery luncheon. We’re not invited. We’re talking after-life ice cream (and not, by the way, frozen yogurt. Nooooo!)

• If a desalinization plant can remove salt from salt water, why couldn’t a desandalization plant remove sand from in between your toes?

• Why do we say people would roll over in their graves if something happened topside that would steam their trousers if they were alive? Example: “Poor, dead, Johnson. If he knew what his nephew Lum did to his treasured collection of teeny weeny toy soldiers that he spent his entire life hand-painting, putting in realistic details like eyeballs, and buckles and heat rash, he’d be rolling over in his grave.”

What good does rolling over do? Wouldn’t the correct expression be “Poor, dead, Johnson, if he knew his nephew Lum spray painted all 10,000 of his hand-painted toy soldiers in bubblegum pink, he’d be standing up in his grave, spitting out dirt as he phoned an excavation company on his cell and then called his dead lawyer, Chuckie, and toll him to get off his dead ass?”

• Why is gold gold and silver silver? When the first person picked up a shiny nugget and said “Hey, Blork, look at this gold thing,” why didn’t he say “Hey, Blork, look at this silver thing?” By the way, who is Blork?

• Do pigs squeal the same around the world? A friend went to Moscow and Putin, wearing nothing but pants and a horse, showed him around his farm. He heard a noise behind the barn. Putin said “Don’t worry. It’s just the pigs blorking.” My friend said “Don’t you mean squealing?” And Putin said “Pigs don’t squeal in Russia. Nobody squeals in Russia.”

• The world is spinning on its axis and I’m standing in Delaware. The world spins around so that Delaware is more or less on the bottom. Burning question: Why don’t I fall off the planet (presuming I’m not holding onto anything)?

Everytime I ask this question I get gobbledygook, science-nerd stuff about “gravity.” Please. Do I look stupid? Not only is there no “global warming,” there is no “gravity.” Will someone start telling the truth? And by the way, why don’t all my blood cells in Delaware rush to my head and bang on the frontal lobe demanding to be let in on what is going on?

• When we hear artillery firing in the distance, we turn to the someone standing next to us and say “Wow, that was a loud BOOM.” The person may respond “You are sharp today.” Or even “What did you say?” Here is the point: big big loudness just sounds like BOOM. It doesn’t sound like BOOD or NOOD or JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMER-SCHMIDT. BOOM is universal. You might even say that in the global village “We all speak BOOM.” So, why isn’t that a basis for getting all races and creeds together and negotiating a nice big non-BOOM treaty?

• When time flies, does it have to go through the TSA line?

• We say “Oh, for Pete’s sake,” and “Oh, for the love of Mike.” Why do we never mention Stan or Larry? From now on, let’s start saying “Oh, for Stan’s emu.” And “What in Larry’s poop is the deal?”

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2015, all rights reserved.