Are you a denier? If you’re not a denier and someone says you’re a denier and you deny it, does your lobotomy scar start to throb? Is it possible you’re in denial? Is it even possible you’ve misspelled your way into Alaska’s Denial National Park? Do you deny that Denali, the huge mountain at Denial, is named Denali since it still secretly answers to “Yo, McKinley?”

Speaking of the late President McKinley, do you deny he is late? Do you insist against all evidence — including an assassination that was in all the papers — that he is merely tardy?

Do you deny global warming? Deny that ice melts? That pigs who never sweat are now sweating their pants off? Do you deny that pigs wore pants in the first place? Second place?

Are you a truther? Do you believe former president Obama was born in Babylonia, moved to Arizona? That the moon landing was actually filmed on a sound stage on Mars? That 9/11 was an elaborate hoax perpetrated by 17,000 carefully chosen secret agents whose names are known only to a cigarette smoking man who vanished during a Mr. Clean commercial on a 2004 rerun of X-Files? (Full disclosure: I just took a Gas-X.)

Speaking of Sculder and Mully, do you deny that the truth is out there? If not, where? Way out there? Or, like, oh wow, man, far out? How far in miles (millimeters, for our friends the millipedes).

If you answered yes to any of the above, please accept our condolences and commitment papers. (Sign and date all, then step into the rubber room.)

If you answered no or probably not, ask yourself: if it’s true you’re not an idiot but you believe it’s not true because nothing is true (which, ironically, is not true) then what kind of idiot are you?

Take this quiz: (Last chance for condolences)

A bear walks into a bar in the midst of remodeling. You’re seated on one of a sampling of bar stools the owners are trying out with the new decor. Do you

1.Throw yourself at the bear to save others.

2.Throw yourself in front of the bartender’s shotgun, shouting “Wait! Let’s hear what he has to say!”

3.Have a beer sent over to the bear. When he takes a sip, shout “It’s not gluten-free, you bear-head. Haw!”

4.Get the bartender’s attention. Hand him a bag. Tell him it’s a holdup. Put all the money in the bag and no one will get eaten by the bear. Take the bag and leave the bar. Tell the bear you’ll beep when you bring the getaway car around. You forget to beep.

5.Deny it’s a bear, with a disgusted “C’mon, it’s just the band.”

6.Ask the bear if he came in for a beer or to use the remodeled uni-species rest room or to eat people. If he says “Did you say meet people?”  introduce him around, but avoid the open carry dopes who like to shoot bears without getting to know them. When the moment is right, ask him if he has an agent.

Bonus answer: Dial 9-1-1. Tell them a mare has walked into a czar. When they ask “Did you say a bear walked into a bar?”  say “Why would I say something crazy like that?” When they say “Sorry. Um, which czar?” say “The one who looks like a bear.” Hang up and go back to your stool sample.

If you chose any of the above, congratulations. You’ve won a two-week vacation to sunny Bering Strait beach. All expenses paid, plus a free, short-sleeve strait jacket.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2017, all rights reserved.