Q. I’ve heard some people say that our dictator is a narcissist. What does that mean?
A. A narcissist is a mixed bag of nuts. Telltale signs include: an inflated sense of being the biggest liar in the world; an ability to lie about everything and to lie about lying about everything, even while appearing to be an obvious liar; an inability to tell the difference between the truth and a talking ferret; a sense that the world revolves around them and who the hell are you?; an insatiable need for admiration, attention and tummy rubs. Narcissists often fail in their personal relationships, because of their complete lack of giving a crap about anyone but themselves.

Q. What is the difference between a benevolent despot and a dictator?
A. Benevolent Despots are authoritarian leaders with no limits on their power to grab a second, third or even all of the Crème Brulee, but who wisely use their power to benefit ordinary schlubs who aren’t technically allowed to know that Creme Brulee exists. The benefit, by the way, is a coupon good for one Crème Brulee, redeemable at any Benevolent Guillotine Center. (Offer void where laughed at.)

Q. But what if the Benevolent Despot isn’t wise?
A. Ah! As the French would say: sometimes ze toenail, she is tough, no?

Q. How does a dictator differ?
A. The dictator has the power to do or eat anything, anyone, anytime, anywhere, anyhow and you can’t do anything about it. Nanny nanny boo boo. Get them all out of here. Now! (Mic drop/throw.)

Q. Is there a cure for narcissism?
A. Since narcissism is officially listed as a cluster B personality disorder, the only cure would be the same one we use to cure hams.

Q. Wait. There’s a cure for ham?
A.Yes. You inject the ham with salt, sugar, sodium nitrate, sodium erythorbate, sodium phosphate, potassium chloride, water and/or flavorings.

Q. What do you mean by flavorings?
A. Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. Yumbo riddy!

Q. Is our dictator smart enough to understand racism? Or is he dumb enough to be a racist?
A. No. Wait. Yes. Uh, lemme think. Better call his lawyer and see if he’s still incoherent. (The lawyer, not the narcissist…But wait. They’re both narcissists

Q. Why does he feel the need to lie about everything?
A. It’s like asking why some people fart all the time. They’re afraid they’re not being heard. With some dictators, the truth is too quiet and not at all obvious. By lying, on the other hand, everything is big. Grandiose. Which is why a dictator abhors an SBD. They leave people guessing and pointing fingers or slapping their hand over their head. A dictator fears people won’t think he’s a really Big Guy unless he honks like an elephant so no one needs to ask “Who dealt it?”

Q. Is our dictator a happy man?
A. Only when someone is lying on the floor with his foot on their neck.

Q. What’s with his so-called base? So many people support him no matter what he does.
A. Go back to the concept of cluster. People are like a cluster of grapes. They don’t like to be plucked alone. And remember, It takes a village to kiss an ass that big.

Q. What does he want?
A. Everything for him and no soup for you.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2020, all rights reserved.