1. A young man believes he will never die. An old man believes he will kill the next young man who tells him he looks geezed to the max.

2.  Proof that Big Foot is real comes from foot prints found on official Big Foot Footprint® sites in California. But shouldn’t he/she rightly (maybe leftly) be called Big Feet®?  Otherwise you have cranial-rattling people tracking an unshaven, fuzzy looking guy hopping around on one foot. Maybe start looking at feet prints?

3. Sign on truck in front of you on highway for the last 18 miles: work vehicle, do not follow.

4. Announcer during a Chicago Bears, Green Bay Packers game, making the point that one of the Packers used to play for Chicago.  “A lot of people don’t know he’s a former bear.”

Are we cynical to think Hmm. Is it possible to be a former bear? Do you still have to hibernate?

5. What would it sound like if your life were called by baseball announcers?   

Booth announcer: Let’s go down to Amanda for this story about young McGuire. 

Field reporter: Bob, I talked to young McGuire just before he went into the restroom. He was pale and covered with sweat. He said he never should have eaten the whole apple pie after eating the entire pizza after drinking a six pack. When he came out I asked why he hadn’t touched the cheesecake. He made a strange gurgling noise and went right back into the restroom. He’s in there now. I can hear him continuing to rest. Back to you, Bob.

6. Warning sign: Long bridge ahead, check gas. Oh, that gas station you just passed? It’s the last one for 73 miles.

7. Here’s something you seldom hear: “Police said the getaway car was a late model Zamboni.”

8. Modern handshakes can be very complicated. (Example: bumping fists, which then seem to explode.) Here’s the latest:

You hold out your hand. The other person pretends to spit into it. You rub your hands together as if you are rolling a meatball. You throw it at the other person. The other person swings an invisible bat and connects at a high launch angle. You reach up as if to grab a soaring meatball. The other person twirls his finger in the air to signify a home run. You pantomime putting on earphones connected to New York. You give the signal for foul meatball. The other person pantomimes pulling a rocket launcher from the bat rack and fires it at you. You raise your finger into the air, signifying the infield flying missile rule is in effect. The missile falls harmlessly to the ground and you make a safe call. The crowd goes wild.

9. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. Then they would want saddles. And then saddle blankets. And riding lessons aren’t cheap.

10. A place for everything and everything in its place, on top of the dresser.

11. The devil’s biology

• An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.
• An idle elbow is the devil’s china cabinet.
• An idle belly button is the devil’s linen closet.
• An idle finger is the devil’s handkerchief.
• An idle you-know-what is the devil’s brain*

12. Sign just before bridge: “High winds on bridge. Use caution.” What caution, other than screaming? Change sign: High winds on bridge. If you get blown off, that will be sad.

13. That guy there is one of those men who thinks safe sex means having sex in a safe. By the way, don’t you think he looks geezed to the max?

14. Usage note: flammable and inflammable mean the same thing. Sometimes lunkheads think inflammable means not flammable. It’s the kind of mistake only a flaming you-know-what could make.**

*Come on, you know what.

**Come on, you know what you-know-what I’m talking about.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2021, all rights reserved.