A Redskin by any other name

To: The Chief

From: Bob in marketing

Re: Brilliant branding concept from Bob in marketing

 It came to me this morning while walking my dog, Bob In Marketing: a way to get out from under the offensive nickname “Redskins,” but—ta da!—keep the name “Redskins” at the same time and offend no one. We’re talking win-win (And I’m talking bonus. Ha Ha. Just kidding.)

 Concept for commercial:

Dawn. Sun rising over a farm field somewhere in America. Sound of a rooster cock-a- doodling. Close up of the field. Hand held camera is moving straight down a row of potatoes but the view bounces as if the cameraman is running. He is running. We hear the sound of heavy breathing. The camera comes right up to a potato on the ground, still attached to the vine, and stops. We get a closeup of the potato as a slightly out of breath voice-over says.

 S.O.B. VO

It’s a…a potato

 On screen we see clearly that this isn’t an ordinary brown or white potato. It seems vaguely mauve, leaning slightly toward fuchsia. Suddenly a whistle is heard and a foot in a black high-top comes swinging through the shot and kicks the potato up and out of the field. We see it sailing high into the air and straight through the uprights of a football end zone. We are suddenly in Fed-Ex field and the stadium is packed with a screaming, frenzied crowd.

 Into the frame steps Homer Simpson (if available. If not, Captain America). He turns and stares into the camera:

Homer Simpson:

It’s a Redskin, Boys and girls. A Washington Redskin.

 Cue the Redskins marching band as a manly male voice (think Darth Vader; could also be a good vehicle for a Pee Wee HermanerJHer comeback) starts to sing:

             Manly Male Voice:

(to the tune of Hail to the Redskins)

Hail to the Redskin

potatoes for victory

spuds in the deep fry,

tubers for old D.C.

Mashed or boiled or French fried,

how ‘bout hash browns?

Baked, au gratin, creamed,

You’ll gain a few pounds

So put…

the starch…

back in your shorts…

yams of Washington!

Closing shot:

We hire an actual American Indian or I, Bob in marketing, would be willing to dress up like one. The Indian watches the scene unfold. Then he turns to the camera and a tear is running down his face. The tear runs down to his mouth and his tongue reaches out and slurps it up. The camera backs out and we see the Indian is holding a baked potato—a redskin! (get it?)—that is covered in dripping butter. And he pops another forkful into his mouth, but a splash of butter hits his cheek and it rolls down to his slurping tongue. But in a very dignified way.

 Concepts for new Redskin Logo

  • Mr. Potato Head wearing a helmet, a la the Oakland Raiders pirate
  • A closeup of a potato with laces
  • A quarterback’s arm, rearing back, about to throw a large, steaming redskin

 Stream of conscious thoughts for cheerleading

Our cheerleaders would be known as the Sweet Potatoes and their costumes would have two big yams over the uh, the uh…and you’d have, um, two mascots, one a French Fry and the other a large bottle of ketchup and they would chase each other during the game, and, let’s see, when the referee bends over to place the ball, the French Fry could come up behind him and…um, here’s a thought: as the teams come out on the field at the start of the game a helicopter shaped like a potato hovers over the field and drops millions of freeze dried redskin potato flakes. Cleanup not a problem. We rig a Zamboni with a potato scraper. The crowd will eat it up (Get it?)

 Proposed Sweet Potato Cheers

  • P-O-T-T-A-T-O/We’re the Redskins, Go Go Go!
  •  One potato, two potato,/three potato, four/Unless you brought a peeler/You aint gonna score
  •  Your defense is au rotten/Your offense has been creamed

       We’re the redskin potatoes/You’re chicken almandine

  •  Apple peaches pumpkin pie/Stick a tater in their eye
  •  Big Spud!  Hold that line! Make them for their Mom’s opine!
  •  Slather ’em with sour cream/ Cover ’em with chives

      Anyway you eat ‘em/They aint leavin’ here alive

  •  Redskins, Redskins you are tops/Just like a quart of potato schnapps

 Miscellany:

  • Instead of a coin toss at the start of the game, we have a tater-tot toss
  • When a player is injured, the cart that hauls him off the field is shaped like a baked potato wrapped in tinfoil. The injured player is placed into the potato and covered with a blanket made up to look like shredded cheese and bacos.
  • We get the NFL to add a new personal-foul penalty for mashing: Fifteen yards and loss of gravy.(Ha ha, just kidding)
  • The press notes we hand out to the media are called “Peelings.”

The Redskin Stops Here

Here’s where you, Chief, launch your new chillaxin’, home skillet image as D.C. BossManKool. Before every game we get a former Redskins coach—Norm, Marty, Joe, The Ball Coach, The Zornado—to the come out on the field for a special, no-hard-feelings presentation.  You’re there in your Big Boss suit and tie with a large red rose in your lapel. Just as you are about to hand over an engraved plaque, your red rose squirts mashed potatoes into the face of the coach. You toss off your glasses, rip off your suit (a specially made, tear-away Armani) and you stand naked except for a red potato peel thong. Electrically, you launch into an outrageous Ray Lewis hip hop grind to show the crowd you are far off the chain, perhaps so far that you are actually up in the Kool Aid. The French Fry and Ketchup mascots and the Sweet Potatoes and the Redskins marching band all come out onto the field and start crackalackin’ with you. Then  William Shatner (if still alive) gets into the emo and announces to the crowd over the PA “Yo. Are you ready for some pommes frites-boule?”

I know that’s a lot to digest in one memo (Ha Ha. Get it?) Let’s discuss–B.I.M.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013, all rights reserved.

Photo this page: Sunset landscape, public domain, free stock photo.http://www.public-domain-image.com/full-image/nature-landscapes-public-domain-images-pictures/sunset-public-domain-images-pictures/sunset-landscape.jpg-free-stock-photo.html

This entry was posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to A Redskin by any other name

  1. kagemo says:

    Madness total madness. I love it!

    Like

  2. Roseanne:) says:

    I can’t stop laughing…….trying ti get it under controlllllllll…….I think it could work……

    roseanne:)

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s