- If a guy named Charles Wood is called “Woodchuck” by his friends, how long before he gets it?
- When Johns Hopkins was a boy, did his friends call him Jacks?
- Why is f*rt a socially taboo word but you can say asphalt as much as you want?
- Why do we say “You never know?” Wouldn’t you think that at least once we would know?
- The Big Bang theory posits that one second there was absolutely nothing and the next second BOOM there were after dinner mints and Wal Mart and Luther Van Dross. If that really explains how the universe came to be, who had the BOOM box?
- Why does Superman never get bugs in his eyes or on his teeth when he’s flying?
- Why is spitting allowed in every facet of baseball except that you can’t spit on the baseball?
- Why do we say “It’s always something.” Is it because to say “It’s always nothing” presumes a state of nothingness and in a state of nothingness there would be no one around to complain about it and, in fact, there would be no it at all?
- Why is it that in golf when a player makes a birdie, the announcer whispers “he made birdie.” But when the player hits it in the drink they don’t say “he made birdie do do?”
- Why do people in television commercials not think it’s odd that cameras pop up in their kitchens, bathrooms, bedrooms, underwear, etc., and their only response is to say something cheery and then hurry off to jobs, supermarkets, the toilet, whatever. Are we supposed to think that a camera and crew somehow materialized in their kitchen—just like it does to all of us on any given day? And then we’re supposed to believe they instead of calling Mulder and Scully, they just leave the camera crew in the house to mess with their stuff?
- On a similar topic, why would a gorgeous woman go out on a date with an oversized, talking M&M with skinny legs and arms, hands in white gloves and, presumably, parents, grandparents, dogs, cats, mortgages, a pickup that’s on its last legs, a maxed out American Express card, a psychiatrist, and a creepy ability to have lasted this long in life without being eaten? Clearly, there are issues here.
- Why are people in Congress so afraid of not getting re-elected. (Ha ha. Just kidding)
- When will kids stop wearing their baseball caps backwards? When will grownups stop wearing their heads backwards?
- When will we all just get along?
- Why do so many men who go for the completely bald look grow beards? Do they not grasp the concept of the irony?
- Why do weather announcers always stand outdoors in hurricanes and blizzards but not in grasshopper infestations?
- Why are there song birds but no dance birds?
Patrick A. McGuire, Bloggonian
For years I told jokes on street corners for tips, dreaming of one day owning a granite counter top. No luck, so I entered a monastery. I now do stand-up at daily prayer services. The monks' vow of silence means they can't laugh. I can't even laugh, although sometimes I sob quietly in the can. This blog is a cry for help. Send money or granite. I accept Pay Pal.
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