Given the astounding popularity of my award-winning* series of Frequently Asked Questions, I am starting today a revolutionary new service. Most of us don’t need the stupid questions. We need the stupid answers.

F.G.A.
A. I don’t have it.
A. I need more time.
A. Oh, four or five years.
A. Four or five days?
A. What if I can’t get it by then?
A. Um, I really need that kneecap.
A. Yeah, I need that one too. Both of them. They’re kind of a matched set. Been in the family quite a while.
A. Look, do you play golf? I’ve got some nice golf clubs. I got them at a pretty steep discount, but on the street I’m sure you could get…I mean unless you want to use them to play golf.
A. No, I don’t think these clubs would bend like that. Not over a guy’s head. I mean, if someone even wanted to try that.
A. The big guy in the corner over there? Yeah I see him. That’s Hugo? He’d like to try it?
A. My face? Oh, no thanks. I like the nose right where it is. I’m not a big fan of change.
A. Um, I don’t think Hugo and I would get along. Just something about him. Maybe it’s the suit, with the horizontal stripes. Or the “Born to Die” tattoo. Yes, on his teeth. Here’s a thought: I’d say he’s an excellent candidate for a make-over.
A. No, I’m sure he’d love the pedicure part. But they could skip that. And the wax job. Sure.
A. No, I meant Hugo. Not me. I don’t need a wax job.
A. By Hugo? Has he ever done one?
A. With his bolo knife? Wouldn’t that hurt?
A. What? This thing? It’s just a tie clip.
A. No, no, no. No, of course it isn’t. Just a tie clip. My wife gave it to me for my birthday.
A. What’s in my underwear? Besides the…Hey that’s really none of your beeswax
A. Anything made by bees that isn’t honey
A. That would be wasp’s wax of which there is no such thing
A. I just know.
A. Try saying wasp’s wax five times real fast
A. Look I have to get going. I have an appointment for a HAIRCUT.
A. No, I wasn’t saying HAIRCUT really loud into the tie clip.
A. You think HAIRCUT is a code word?
A. Um, just wait a sec, Hugo. Look, did I mention I need a HAIRCUT?
A. Usually just a little off the top and trim the sides. That’s how I like my HAIRCUT.
A. With the Bolo knife? HAIRCUT! HAIRCUT! HAIRCUT! Uh oh. Wrong tie clip. Look, there’s been a little…
A.

*Winner of the 2014 Patrick A. McGuire Prize for best F.A.Q. on F.A.Q.’s.

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