Are you at the end of your rope because your mewling loved one causes such mental burping that you consider putting your head in the microwave oven on the burnt popcorn setting? But you don’t because you can’t close the door?
After another edgy day with your bellyaching loved one, do you find yourself dusting off the Clue game and sorting through the murder weapons? Just to see if you’ve got what it takes in case of an emergency?
Does your nattering nabob of negativism cause such prickly heat that you make plans to run off and join the circus–until you remember that’s where you met Gripe-o, The Carping Clown in the first place?
If any of this sounds familiar, take comfort in knowing you’re not alone. The fact is, you may be in love with a whiner.
To be sure, take this quick test on The six telltale signs of a whiner.
1. Does the person you love whine?
• A.) Oh, yeah
• B.) Sometimes
• C.) Never
• D.) Never, my rosy red rump.
2. How often does your whining loved one whine each day?
• A.) Always
• B.) Always
• C.) Always
3. Even after getting what he/she/Gripe-o whined for, do you ever hear any of these squawks:
• A.) Now that I’ve got it I don’t want it anymore, which never would have happened if I’d gotten it when I wanted it.
• B.) Plus it’s the wrong color because nobody ever listens to me.
• C.) Sometimes I see people wearing ear plugs when I’m around. How do you think that makes me feel? I said HOW DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES ME FEEL?
4. Does the yawping yip you love react to getting a surprise gift by grumbling:
• A.) Eewwwww, gross. There’s a hair on it.
• B.) Yeah, what else ya got?
• C.) What’s for dinner, I’m starving?
5. Does the kvetching, turkey-sub-hold-the-mayo-I said-hold-the-(fricking, fracking, farouking)-mayo ever promise to adopt a new attitude by:
• A.) Substituting whimpering for whining—which sounds exactly like whining but in a higher key.
• B.) Buying you an expensive set of golf clubs. When you remind him/her/the (fricking, fracking, farouking)narcissist that you hate golf, you hear the strains of Whimper-For-Police-Whistle in C major.
• C.) Pledging never to whine again and then whining that you don’t believe it.
6. Your loved one:
• A.) Whines while snoring
• B.) Whines about your snoring.
• C.) Whines while whining
What can you do? Send for our free catalog of self-help books, including our New York Times* bestsellers “Love the Whiner, Hate the Whining,” “Quit Your Damn Whining,” and our newest title “Is It Possible I’m The Whiner?”
Act now and we’ll send you, absolutely free, our new collection “Best Historical Whines,” including this one from Pope Murray, IV: “I just thought the hat would be bigger.”
*Not to be confused with the New York Times.
©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2014, all rights reserved.
Somewhere Spiro Agnew is smiling as his wisdom carries on.
If Spiro Agnew is somewhere smiling, we’re all in trouble.
Nothing personal about this, is there?
No, of course not. I mean, mostly.