Earl Scruggs and the metaphysics nightmare

Patient X: Doc, I had a bad dream.
Dr. Pepperoncini: Oh? When?
Patient X: When I was asleep.
Dr. Pepperoncini: Hmm. What was it about?
Patient X: The dream?
Dr. Pepperoncini: Yes, the dream.
Patient X: Um, about five minutes. I didn’t have my smart phone with that little clock thingie.
Dr. Pepperoncini: Ah.
Patient X: What does that mean?
Dr. Pepperoncini: Ah?
Patient X: Ah.
Dr. Pepperoncini: Uh…
Patient X: By the way, what’s the difference between a bad dream and a nightmare?
Dr. Pepperoncini: Well..
Patient X: If you have a bad dream during a nap, is that a nightmare? A daymare? An afternoonmare?
Dr. Pepperoncini: Hmm.
Patient X: And why nightmare? I get the night part, but what’s with mare? Isn’t that a horse?
Dr. Pepperoncini: Technically speaking, yes, a mare is a female horse.
Patient X: So, technically speaking, you’re saying a nightmare is a dream about a bad girl horse. You mean like riding a bad girl horse? Or petting a bad girl horse? Or giving a bad girl horse a lump of sugar? Or sponging down a bad girl horse? Or slapping a bad girl horse on the rump or…
Dr. Pepperoncini: We’re getting short on time.
Patient X: Speaking of time, do you know how to set my smart phone so I always have it with me in my dreams? Is there an app for that?
Dr. Pepperoncini: Uh…
Patient X: Maybe I should just tell you the dream.
Dr. Pepperoncini: Uh…maybe…or…
Patient X: So, in the dream I’m playing my banjo…
Dr. Pepperoncini: Ah, yes, a nightmare.
Patient X: And Earl Scruggs comes along and says “It’s really tough.”
Dr. Pepperoncini: Earl who?
Patient X: I realize he’s not talking about the banjo. He’s talking about tomorrow’s Metaphysics exam. I realize I’m in college, but I haven’t gone to a single Metaphysics class all year.
Dr. Pepperoncini: I’m going to take a run to the little boy’s room. You keep talking. I’ll be back in a day or so.
Patient X: You have speakers in the can?
Dr. Pepperoncini: Um, yes, of course…
Patient X: So the final exam is tomorrow and I know nothing about Metaphysics. Can you hear me?
Dr. Pepperoncini:
Patient X: Doc, you need a microphone in there. What if you need a roll of TP?
Dr. Pepperoncini:
Patient X: So Earl morphs into the Metaphysics teacher. He’s going to explain Metaphysics. He hands me a pen and a notebook and I start taking notes.
Dr. Pepperoncini:
Patient X: Doc, you’re not having a colonoscopy in there are you? Maybe the lock is jammed. Don’t get sleepy and fall off the porcelain polar bear. You’ll hit your head and it won’t work for awhile. Happens to me a lot.
Dr. Pepperoncini:
Patient X: Okay, I’m scribbling notes about Metaphysics and thinking everything is going to be okay. I look down and the pen is a worn out magic marker with a point about as sharp as a gorilla’s gonad. I can’t read a single note.
Dr. Pepperoncini:
Patient X: I wake up and realize I never took Metaphysics in college. Of course, I might have been enrolled and forgot to go. That happened to me a lot.
Dr. Pepperoncini: I’m back. And it looks like our time is up.
Patient X: What do I do now? Stop sleeping?
Dr. Pepperoncini: No. You need immediate riding lessons.
Patient X: On a female horse?
Dr. Pepperoncini: Um, yes. Ride two and call me in the morning. Sometime next year.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2014, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in News You Can Use (Sort of), The human comedy and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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