Q. What is an idiom?
A. An idiom is a meeting place for idiots. Not to be confused with idiocy, which is a municipality full of idioms. Think Los Angeles.
Q. That’s insulting to Los Angeles.
A. Do you live there?
Q. I don’t think so.
A. You’d know if you did.
Q. Did what?
A. Hello, can you connect me to security? Yes, urgent. Guy wearing the propeller beanie.
Q. What goes on in an idiom?
A. Basically, a truck delivers after dinner mints before dinner, then hauls away a bushel of uneaten cool beans.
Q. My friend told me that the word idiosyncratic means idiots who are democrats.
A. Sounds like your friend might be an idiosyncpublican.
Q. Ha Ha. So what does idiosyncratic really mean?
A. Think of a war movie where the leader says “Our lives depend on perfect timing. So synchronize your watches.”
Let’s say one of the guys raises his hand and says “Um. Bob? I left my watch home. Is that a problem? Total brain fart, I know. I could call my wife and she could tell me what time it is, but I’m not married. I don’t even have a girlfriend. By the way can I borrow somebody’s camo stick? Mine melted. Long story.”
That guy there is idiosyncratic and belongs in an idiom.
Q. Isn’t the word “idiot” a pejorative term demeaning to those without the same opportunities we have?
A. Only an idiot would say pejorative
Q. Are banjos allowed in an idiom?
A. Oddly, yes. Because only an idiot would play the banjo while other idiots were firing at him with live ammunition.
Q. What is an Iditarod?
A. An Alaskan idiot who pulls his own sled
Q. Isn’t an idiom a familiar expression that means one thing in the local language but makes no sense in another? Take the American saying “Are you kidding me?” In Spanish, they would say “Me estas tomando el pelo?” which means “Are you drinking my hair?”
A. I don’t like to repeat myself, but as I just said “An Alaskan idiot who pulls his own sled.”
Q. You were pretty dismissive of that last questioner. I think you owe that person an apology.
A. La carne de burro no es transparente.
Q. You just said in Spanish “The flesh of the donkey is not transparent.” Seriously? Are you drinking my hair?
A. See that nice man there with the handcuffs and the 9mm idiomatic coming toward us? He’ll escort you back to your idiom. Have a nice day.
Q. Sir, I am Nurse Argot from the Idiom. Do you know what time it is?
A. It’s a great time to be a dinosaur paleontologist. Not so much a fine arts major.
Q. Actually, it’s time to go. The doctor is waiting.
A. Wait a sec. I thought patients did the waiting. In the waiting room. Are you telling me that doctors wait too? How long has that been going on? I’m waiting for the doctor, but the doctor is waiting for me? Explains why I waited two hours last time and the nurse said the doctor got tired of waiting and left.
Q. I can shoot you now or we can wait ‘til we get back to the Idiom.
A. Hey, I’m patient. I can wait. Just lemme grab my banjo.
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