Gooood Morrrrrning Asia Minor!

St. Paul, here
Rather than scribbling out a new e-pistle to the Corindians or the Galoshes, I thought I’d open up the old mailbag and get some epistle feedback.

Dear Paul
Your letter came postage due. What, they don’t sell stamps up there? As for your statement “Now, I did baptize also the household of Stephanas; beyond that, I do not know whether I baptized any other,” try this:

Every time you baptize a household, get a tattoo. Then, if somebody asks ‘Hey, are you the guy who doused the Joneses?’ you roll up your sleeve or pant leg or take off your shirt and/or pants (there are a lot of Joneses) and check the tat. Yes, you could just tie a string around your finger, but if baptizing is your gig, you might run out of fingers and/or string.

Yo, Paul
Shocked to hear you say “It is actually reported that there is immorality among you…” So who told you that? Was it Alice? Or are you talking about the time I robbed Peter to pay you not to tell Brenda?

Dear St. Paul Minnesota
Your words (and I quote)“Your boasting is not good. Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough? Clean out the old leaven so that you may be a new lump.”

Just what I always wanted to be, a new lump of dough. How about some news we can use like how to get a lump of dough. I mean, if you’re feeling my pain up there on Cloud IX.

Paulie, Paulie, Paulie
Do you ever read these epistles out loud before you send them? To wit: “It is already a defeat for you, that you have lawsuits with one another. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be defrauded?”

Why not? How about because people would say “See that loser? He was wronged AND defrauded and he never picked up the phone and dialed SUE-THE-BOZO (843-227-2696).

Tall Paul,
Re: “Food is for the stomach and the stomach is for food, but God will do away with both of them.”

What? I’ve got 20 people coming to a pig roast Saturday. I’ve got a keg reserved and a guy coming in from Phrygia with the pigia. (On the other hand, if we lose our stomachs will we still have to poop?)

Sao Paulo,
A clarification, please. “It is written in the Law of Moses, ‘You shall not muzzle the ox while he is threshing.’”

When you say ‘threshing,’ do you mean, like, Mr. Ox and Mrs. Ox having a little party in their birthday suits? Who would think of putting a muzzle on an ox at such a moment? No wonder people keep saying Holy Moses!

P-Man: Talk about news you can use. “As it is written, “The people sat down to eat and drink, and stood up to play.” And to think I’ve been doing it backwards for years. No wonder I get gas.

St. Pauli girl (just kidding)
Hit a speed bump trying to understand your letter. “Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall.” So, if I take heed not to fall, but I’m only thinking that I’m standing, then I’m thinking that I don’t fall, right? So why pack the heed?

My main man,
Saw your musical note: “… either flute or harp, in producing a sound, if they do not produce a distinction in the tones, how will it be known what is played on the flute or on the harp? For if the bugle produces an indistinct sound, who will prepare himself for battle?”

Maybe it’s just me, but whenever I play the banjo, I’m always preparing myself for battle. And it doesn’t matter if the tone is distinct or not. There’s always some drunk who wants to hear the dueling banjo version of Ina gadda da vita.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2014, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in News You Can Use (Sort of), The human comedy and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Gooood Morrrrrning Asia Minor!

  1. EdG says:

    My adice to you is to stay off of the road to Damascus.


  2. EdG says:

    OR ADVICE, whichever you prefer.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.