Interview with Waldo

Interviewer: Where are you?
Waldo: I’m right here.
Interviewer: I can’t see you.
Waldo: But I can see you.
Interviewer: Come on, give me a hint.
Waldo: I’m wearing a red and white striped shirt.
Interviewer: Is that you peeking out between that elephant’s legs?
Waldo: You mean the elephant wearing the red and white striped shirt?
Interviewer: I’ll take that as a no.

Interview With a Zombie

Interviewer: What do y…
Zombie:
Interviewer:
Zombie:
Interviewer:
Zombie:
Interviewer:
Zombie:
Interviewer:
Zombie:

Interview with Vladimir Putin

Interviewer: Is it a law in Russia that when you ride a horse you have to be half-naked?
Putin: Also in Crimea.
Interviewer: Does it matter which half?
Putin: As long as you look sincere. And don’t fall off
Interviewer: When dining in a Moscow restaurant do your choices for salad dressing include Russian dressing?
Putin: Was Ivan the Terrible terrible?
Interviewer: Do you have a set of those Russian nesting dolls?
Putin: Is Ivan the Terrible dead?
Interviewer: When you take your pants off at night, do you empty out your pockets and toss all the loose roubles and laundry receipts and grocery lists and broken golf tees and stolen Super Bowl rings and finger picks and Swiss Bank Account numbers and business cards from Chinese aluminum siding salesmen and the torn envelope from last month’s electric bill with Edward Snowden’s phone number on it into a huge pile on top of your dresser?
Putin: Don’t forget the nesting dolls.
Interviewer: Do you know Tennyson’s “Charge of the Light Brigade?”
Putin: Hum a few bars.
Interviewer: Did you know it was set in The Crimea?
Putin: You are pulling my poop.
Interviewer: Who is your favorite Pussy Rioter?
Putin: They’re all a riot. But we have a law against that. Also against singing. And laughing. Especially laughing in my general direction.
Interviewer: What book do you have on your night stand?
Putin: Where’s Waldo?
Interviewer: What a strange choice of book for a world leader.
Putin: Ah, Waldo. Escort this borscht-head to the curb. And bring me the head of someone I don’t like.

Interview with a teenager

Interviewer: Where do you think…come back here mister!
Teenager: What?
Interviewer: Where do you think…come back here mister!
Teenager: What? What?
Interviewer: Where do you think…come back here mister!
Teenager: What? What? What?
Interviewer: Where do you think…come back here mister!
Teenager: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
Interviewer: Where do you think…come back here mister!

Interview with Steve Ballmer

Interviewer: You just paid $2 billion for the Los Angeles Clippers. Are you nuts?
Steve Ballmer: Yes.
Interviewer: Your total fortune was put at $20 billion before you bought the Clippers. That means you’re down to a mere $18 billion. Are you nuts?
Steve Ballmer: Yes.
Interviewer: Let’s say you’re walking down the street and an emaciated, down-on-his-luck guy comes up to you and says he hasn’t eaten in days. He asks if you can spare $1 billion so he can buy a sandwich chain. Would you give it to him?
Steve Ballmer: Yes
Interviewer: Are you nuts?
Steve Ballmer: Yes.
Interviewer: How many fingers am I holding up
Steve Ballmer: Yes.
Interviewer: You really are a nut boy aren’t you?
Steve Ballmer: Yes
Interviewer: Are you nuttier than a fruitcake?
Steve Ballmer: Yes
Interviewer: Nuttier than a fluffernutter?
Steve Ballmer: Yes.
Interviewer: Nuttier than Dennis Rodman in a wedding dress in North Korea?
Steve Ballmer: No.
Interviewer: No?
Steve Ballmer: Yes.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2014, all rights reserved.