Redskins name change solution (win-win)

One year ago, with great humbility, this blog proposed a sober and rational answer to the heated question: should the Washington Redskins change their name? It seems apt to restate that plan before someone else steals the idea and wins the Nobel Prize.

Brilliant Redskin re-branding concept from Bob, in marketing

Chief: Found an ingenious way to get out from under the offensive nickname “Redskins” but actually keep it and offend no one. We’re talking win-win (And I’m talking bonus. Ha Ha. Just kidding.)

Concept for commercial:
Dawn. Sun rising over a farm field somewhere in America. Sound of a rooster cock-a-doodling. Close up of the field. Hand-held camera moves straight down a garden row to a potato still attached to its root. We hear a slightly out of breath voice.

S.O.B. VO

It’s a…a potato!

On screen we see that this isn’t an ordinary brown or white potato. It seems vaguely mauve, leaning slightly toward fuchsia with a rosy hint of embarrassment. Suddenly a whistle is heard and a foot in a black high-top comes swinging through the shot and kicks the potato up and out of the field. We see it sailing high into the air and straight through the uprights of a football end zone. We are suddenly in Fed-Ex field and the stadium is packed with a screaming, frenzied crowd.

Into the frame steps Homer Simpson (if available. If not, Sammy Baugh, if alive. Or Roger Goodell, if mortified.) He turns and stares into the camera:

Whoever

It’s a Redskin potato, boys and girls. A Washington Redskin

As the marching band plays “Hail to the Redskins,” a manly male voice (I’m thinking you, chief) sings these new lyrics

Manly Male Voice (Chief?)

Hail to the Redskin
potatoes for victory
spuds in the deep fry,
tubers for old D.C.

Chorus:
Mashed or boiled or French fried,
how ‘bout hash browns?
Baked, au gratin, creamed,
You’ll gain a few pounds

So put…
the starch…
back in your shorts…
yams of Washington!

Closing shot:
We hire an actual American Indian who watches the scene unfold. Then he turns to the camera and a tear runs down his cheek to his mouth where his tongue slurps it up. The camera backs out and we see the Indian holding a redskin potato covered in melted butter. (Important we do this with great respect and/or slapstick.)

Concepts for new Redskin Logo
• Mr. Potato Head wearing a helmet, a la the Oakland Raiders pirate
• A closeup of a redskin potato with laces
• A quarterback’s arm, rearing back, about to throw a large, steaming redskin

Stream of conscious thoughts for cheerleading
Our cheerleaders would be known as the Sweet Potatoes and their costumes would have two big yams over the uh, the uh…and you’d have, um, two mascots, one a French Fry and the other a large bottle of ketchup and they would chase each other during the game, and here’s a thought: as the teams come out on the field a helicopter shaped like a potato drops millions of freeze-dried redskin potato flakes. Cleanup not a problem. We rig a Zamboni with a potato scraper. The crowd will eat it up (Get it?)

Proposed Redskin Potato Cheers

P-O-T-T-A-T-O
We’re the Redskins, Go Go Go!

One potato, two potato,three potato, four
Unless you brought a peeler, you aint gonna score

Your defense is au rotten/Your offense has been creamed
We’re the redskin potatoes/You’re chicken almandine

Apple peaches pumpkin pie
Stick a tater in their eye

Big Spud! Hold that line!
Make them for their Mom’s opine!

Slather ‘em with sour cream, Cover ‘em with chives
Anyway you eat ‘em you aint leavin’ here alive

Redskins, Redskins you are tops
Just like a quart of potato schnapps

Miscellany:
• Instead of a coin toss at the start of the game, we have a tater-tot toss
• When a player is injured, the cart that hauls him off the field is shaped like a baked potato wrapped in tinfoil. The injured player is placed into the potato and covered with a blanket made up to look like shredded cheese and bacos.
• We get the NFL to add a new personal-foul penalty for mashing: Fifteen yards and loss of gravy.(Ha ha, just kidding)
• The press notes we hand out to the media are called “Peelings.”

The Redskin Stops Here
Here’s where you, Chief, launch your new chillaxin’, home skillet image as D.C. BossManKool. Before every game we get a former Redskins coach—Norm, Marty, Joe, The Ball Coach, The Zornado, and The Name That Shall Never Again Be Uttered—to the come out on the field for a special, no-hard-feelings presentation.

You have a large red rose in your lapel. Just as you are about to hand over an engraved plaque, your red rose squirts mashed potatoes into the face of the coach. You toss off your glasses, rip off your suit (a specially made, tear-away Armani) and you stand naked except for a red potato peel thong.

Electrically, you launch into an outrageous Ray Lewis hip hop grind to show the crowd you are far off the chain, perhaps so far that you are actually up in the Kool Aid.

The French Fry and Ketchup mascots and the Sweet Potatoes and the Redskins marching band all come out onto the field and start crackalackin’ with you.

Then William Shatner (if still alive) (even if not) gets into the emo and announces to the crowd over the PA “Yo. Are you ready for some pommes frites-boule?

I know that’s a lot to digest in one memo (Ha Ha. Get it?) Let’s discuss–B.I.M.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2014, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Redskins name change solution (win-win)

  1. Pat, this is so outrageously funny, it made my laptop start to jiggle. Can I ask you a favor? Find a way that NSA won’t find out and send me the recipe for whatever you were, um, ingesting before you sat down to write this? On the other hand, maybe you should send it directly to the NSA.

    -Dennis

    Like

  2. John Hennigan says:

    Agreed. Have you sent it to Washington’s owner yet?

    Like

  3. Ed G says:

    Is this the team with the QB Starchy Griffin?

    Like

  4. PMcG says:

    No, that was Steamy Trousers.

    Like

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