Exciting news: my speaking fee reduced $25k

Please pass this news along to your alleged friends, your imaginary buddies in high places and all those blowhard relatives who say they know somebody who knows somebody who could maybe get you a backstage pass to the next Air Supply concert.

Help me get the word out: I am lowering my speaking fee from $100,000 to $75,000 per speak.

I know, it’s crazy. But really, how much money do you need in this life before you disconnect from reality and strut around like you can pay your monthly mortgage or buy a hardback copy of the Baseball Encyclopedia?

Patrick A. McGuire, running a bit of a 'tude

Patrick A. McGuire, running a bit of a ‘tude

Be apprised that my decision has little to do with the fact that, to date, I’ve had no $100,000 speaking gigs. This is an environmentally responsible decision—think of the green ink and paper saved by printing 25 per cent fewer $1 bills.

Yes, some cynics will say “You don’t get paid in cash, you idiot, and if you did, it wouldn’t be in $1 bills. They deposit the money electronically into your account.” To this I say “What is your point?”

My credentials as a speaker go without saying. I’ve been speaking my entire life — except for those rare times when I was forced at gun point to listen to somebody else. And I’ve got to tell you, some of the things I’ve said aren’t bad at all.

That’s because I have learned over the years to carefully think a few words ahead of opening my mouth so that my ululations are transpicuous, intelligible and apprehensible. My motto has always been “Two out of three aint bad and sometimes one out of three — except for transpicuous, whatever that means — will do the trick.”

Cynics may doubt that I have any specific or general area of expertise on which to base a talk for 75k or even 75¢. I laugh at this, especially the 75¢.

Suffice it to say that I have been here and I have been there. I have been around the block and I have crossed the street at the light (holding the crossing guard’s hand). I have been up to the attic and down to the basement. I have been in and I have been out. And except for a few scary moments when I’ve squinted at the bad man through my fingers, I’ve kept my eyes wide open.

The ultimate proof, of course, is in the pudding (anything but plum). So here are some of my more popular speaking topics — keeping in mind I’ve yet to actually write or deliver any of these speeches.

“Staring You In The Hind End.” If you’ll just open your eyes, brilliant ideas will bite you in the butt. Example: Twitter could increase profits by .0357 % simply by changing their maximum character count for tweets from 140 to 145 — which just happens to be an increase of .0357%

“Use your green head” Here I reveal how we can all reduce our carbon footprint by carrying little umpire brushes and/or wearing stilts.

“Pay your mortgage” Earn extra money for things like food, root canals and high speed internet by giving short, snappy speeches on just about any topic for $75,000 a pop. No experience necessary.

“First, get a million dollars.” Find out how easy it is to buy things with a million dollars. Need a hot tub? Two hot tubs? Non problemo. Need another 2,000 coffee mugs? Need a double-wide? Want friends? Just write a check. (Warning: checkbook, million dollars and reading/writing abilities required.) This is 100% environmentally safe. No need to kill a million trees for your million dollars as it will just be an ever-diminishing number in your bank account.

For a limited time only, buy one of these speaking engagements and get one free.*

If you call me in the next ten minutes you will receive, absolutely free, a recorded reading of the famous Zimmerman Telegram of January 19, 1917, from German Foreign Secretary Arthur Zimmermann to the German Embassy in Mexico City.**

*Same speech, same location, same audience. Void in North Dakota and Birminghampton, N.Y.

**Telegram is in code. Have fun.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2014, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of) and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

74 Responses to Exciting news: my speaking fee reduced $25k

  1. John Hennigan says:

    I’ve been waiting for something like this to come on the market. Can’t wait to hear your first speech!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. A. Hinkle says:

    Zimmerman ist ein n fehlt.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. EdG says:

    I am sure the requests will now come pouring in. Do you have a booking agent? Or just a bookie?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. tenderlytina says:

    You’ll let us know when you get the venue booked, right?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Sabrina Lobo says:

    Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!
    I would appreciate if you checked my blog as well. It’s a lifestyle and entertainment blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. amybaby6789 says:

    I’m impressed a gun to your head made you temporarily stop your speaking career. They tried that with me and I found myself with a chunk of skull missing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • PMcG says:

      Well, amybaby, somebody had to be brave and I’m glad it was you. Long ago I had a choice between being brave and silly and was brave enough to pick silly. Hope the hole in your head doesn’t cause a whistling sound when it’s windy. That can be annoying. If so, pack in a dab of Durham’s rock hard water putty. All the brave people use it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • amybaby6789 says:

        I’ve been told it’s a slight problem. But considering how well my speaking career is going if it starts up, I just talk louder. Works like a champ and forces more people to listen. Win-win.


  7. I’m definitely booking a seat in the front row! But if you plan to smash watermelons and things like the comedian Gallagher during your speech, please provide a poncho so I won’t get wet.

    Congrats on being Freshly Pressed! Enjoy the ride.

    Liked by 1 person

    • PMcG says:

      Thanks for your comment, eagle-eye. Your blog intrigues. You’ve highlighted some worthwhile books. I especially liked your Anna Anderson piece. BTW: I don’t have a poncho I could lend you at my next speaking gig. I’ll simply use a smaller melon, although I may just throw them.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. anolivedaily says:

    You have inspired me, sir. I read this a realized: I too have been here and there. So why not me? I will be starting my speeches at $74,999 (a girl’s got to be competitive in this marketplace).

    Liked by 1 person

    • PMcG says:

      Not sure if I agree with your comment. I think you’re being a little hard on Yuccerman. He didn’t mean it. I’m sure. I’ll call him and find out. By the way, I found your note a little overwritten. I’d lose the d.


  9. bbbzzzddd says:



  10. atv333 says:

    Awesome.I adore your style of presentation..



  11. huishtrevor says:

    Always looking for other funny humor blogs, I enjoyed it good job.


  12. Hilarious ; thanks. I needed that !


  13. Ladyisms says:

    Hmmmm I am going to try this. I have a lot to talk about, I just hope that I don’t faint at the podium again.
    PS: Congratulations!!


  14. walizahid says:

    Loved it. I just reduced my speaking fees in a LinkedIn post. Can I republish this on my blog: walizahid.com


  15. Karl Drobnic says:

    I had just instructed my administrative aide to hire you at $100,000 when you blog got FPed. Makes it seem like I’d be hiring a cut-rate speaker. So “cancel that” I told her. Maybe when you get your prices back up we can talk.


    • PMcG says:

      Sir, I am most definitely a cut rate speaker and demand an apology, or a $100,000 gig on behalf of all other cut rate speakers out there.


      • Karl Drobnic says:

        Hmmm….could you speak on “How to make a $100,000 Apology?” And will you take a check drawn on my Nigerian bank account? I’ll have to make it out for $200,000 (some kind of foreign exchange regulation, not something to worry about). You can cash it and then just transfer the extra dollars to me.


  16. Great blog. I make people laugh with lots of my speaking. Could I too be a public speaker?


  17. DL says:

    Made me laugh. Thanks!


    • PMcG says:

      Thanks, DL. It’s what I do. Some people sell cars, some people print counterfeit money, some people take naps. Actually, a little known fact: when not making fun of things I also take naps.


  18. ditchthebun says:

    Are you looking for a support speaker? Happy to take the role… only $25K 🙂
    I am capable of speaking on a variety of topics from Academic Research to how to get permanent marker off white walls and I spin a decent yarn 🙂


  19. Pingback: Exciting news: my speaking fee reduced $25k / Wali Zahid

  20. I don’t know which made me laugh more, reading your post or your responses to people’s comments. But without your post, there would be no comments to respond to. See how quickly I cut thru the chicken and the egg thing here? You’re immensely funny. I admire, respect and yes, revere that.


    • PMcG says:

      Well, I do like being revered, so thanks. Keep it up. BTW: I admire your skill at killing the chicken. I can only hope that you did the egg over easy. It’s better for them that way.


  21. I will speak and work for blog followers. 🙂


  22. w8screens says:

    Guten Start in die neue Woche wünsch ich 😉


  23. I found myself laughing at both the post and your responses to the comments. Your wit is fantastic!


  24. S. Byrd says:

    Now I’m following you (ignore the clicking of my tap shoes)….. Do I get to pick the color of my pony?


    • PMcG says:

      Ohhhh, I just mailed out the last one. But we’re having a mixer next week for boy horses and girl horses, so, assuming something clicks (it better; have used a horse dating service that is not cheap) we may be getting in a new supply. Keep your hooves crossed.


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