Please pass this news along to your alleged friends, your imaginary buddies in high places and all those blowhard relatives who say they know somebody who knows somebody who could maybe get you a backstage pass to the next Air Supply concert.
Help me get the word out: I am lowering my speaking fee from $100,000 to $75,000 per speak.
I know, it’s crazy. But really, how much money do you need in this life before you disconnect from reality and strut around like you can pay your monthly mortgage or buy a hardback copy of the Baseball Encyclopedia?
Be apprised that my decision has little to do with the fact that, to date, I’ve had no $100,000 speaking gigs. This is an environmentally responsible decision—think of the green ink and paper saved by printing 25 per cent fewer $1 bills.
Yes, some cynics will say “You don’t get paid in cash, you idiot, and if you did, it wouldn’t be in $1 bills. They deposit the money electronically into your account.” To this I say “What is your point?”
My credentials as a speaker go without saying. I’ve been speaking my entire life — except for those rare times when I was forced at gun point to listen to somebody else. And I’ve got to tell you, some of the things I’ve said aren’t bad at all.
That’s because I have learned over the years to carefully think a few words ahead of opening my mouth so that my ululations are transpicuous, intelligible and apprehensible. My motto has always been “Two out of three aint bad and sometimes one out of three — except for transpicuous, whatever that means — will do the trick.”
Cynics may doubt that I have any specific or general area of expertise on which to base a talk for 75k or even 75¢. I laugh at this, especially the 75¢.
Suffice it to say that I have been here and I have been there. I have been around the block and I have crossed the street at the light (holding the crossing guard’s hand). I have been up to the attic and down to the basement. I have been in and I have been out. And except for a few scary moments when I’ve squinted at the bad man through my fingers, I’ve kept my eyes wide open.
The ultimate proof, of course, is in the pudding (anything but plum). So here are some of my more popular speaking topics — keeping in mind I’ve yet to actually write or deliver any of these speeches.
• “Staring You In The Hind End.” If you’ll just open your eyes, brilliant ideas will bite you in the butt. Example: Twitter could increase profits by .0357 % simply by changing their maximum character count for tweets from 140 to 145 — which just happens to be an increase of .0357%
• “Use your green head” Here I reveal how we can all reduce our carbon footprint by carrying little umpire brushes and/or wearing stilts.
• “Pay your mortgage” Earn extra money for things like food, root canals and high speed internet by giving short, snappy speeches on just about any topic for $75,000 a pop. No experience necessary.
• “First, get a million dollars.” Find out how easy it is to buy things with a million dollars. Need a hot tub? Two hot tubs? Non problemo. Need another 2,000 coffee mugs? Need a double-wide? Want friends? Just write a check. (Warning: checkbook, million dollars and reading/writing abilities required.) This is 100% environmentally safe. No need to kill a million trees for your million dollars as it will just be an ever-diminishing number in your bank account.
For a limited time only, buy one of these speaking engagements and get one free.*
If you call me in the next ten minutes you will receive, absolutely free, a recorded reading of the famous Zimmerman Telegram of January 19, 1917, from German Foreign Secretary Arthur Zimmermann to the German Embassy in Mexico City.**
*Same speech, same location, same audience. Void in North Dakota and Birminghampton, N.Y.
**Telegram is in code. Have fun.
©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2014, all rights reserved.