Those who are on the schneid

It has been my experience that there are two kinds of people in this world:
• Those who use their turn signal and those who don’t have to because their mother said so.
• Those who believe in God and those who believe they are God but don’t even know how to work the clouds.
• Those who say “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” and those who say “What about grizzly bears and wiggly tofu and people who believe they are God?”
• Those who don’t take crap from anybody and those who carry a little plastic bag and a scooper and offer it all up for the souls in Purgatory who, ironically, are in Purgatory for unloading crap on anybody who will take it.
• Those who hate everybody and those who hate nobody.
• Those who say “Hold my big butt, everybody hates somebody,” and somebody who hates anybody who depends on others to hold his big butt while whining about something or anything or even nothing.
• Those who hate nobodies and those nobodies who aren’t aware they are nobodies and who, if they were pressed, would say “Stop pressing me, do I look like a suit?”
• Somebody who keeps vacillating about whether to hate everybody or anybody, and anybody who hates Vaseline because, if you were blindfolded and somebody put some on your hands you might think it was caviar (assuming you had a head cold and couldn’t smell) and you’d eat it and then you’d say this doesn’t taste like caviar and you’d take off the blindfold and go AIEEEEEEE! and run around in circles spitting and going BLECHHHHHHHHHHHH!
• Somebody who hates anybody who hates everybody, and anybody who hates nobodies who think they are somebodys.
• Somebody who is quite moved at how very damn hard my life is, and nobody who knows the trouble I seen.
• Those who clean up after their dogs and those who clean up before their dogs because dogs tend to use up all the hot water.
• Those who put mustard on hot dogs and those who put ketchup on those who put mustard on hot dogs.
• Those who can fix a plugged toilet and those who can plug a fixed one
• Those who are on the schneid and those who are standing in the schneid line.
• Those who are happy to be alive and those who are pretty much pissed off about it, among other things.
• Those who heed the law and those who were in the head when the word heed came up in vocabulary and so they never heard the correct definition and have always thought heed was the past tense of hide—although, oddly enough, just buffalo hide, since buffalo are pretty much extinct (but not the heed in hiding) except for those going under the stupid assumed names of Dr. and Mrs. Bison. Prisons are full of these people.
• Those who need professional help and those who need professional help, if you get my meaning. (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink*.)
• Those who gossip and those who talk about people behind their backs.
• Those who like cats and those who prefer something in a lower I.Q.
• Those who drink like a fish and those who drink like a fisherman.
• Those who long for a return to the Dark Ages because they hate government and anyway, they got a sword for Christmas, and those who long for a government dental plan that covers root canals and has dentists who never bug you about flossing (the one nice thing about the Dark Ages).
• Those who believe aliens walk among us and those who believe they use public transportation and, every now and then, a stretch limo so all of their wings and tentacles can fit in without someone stepping on them or tripping over them and then filing a lawsuit which means finding an attorney who knows anything at all about wing and tentacle law. Bonne chance avec ça.

*Borrowed with reverence from Dr. and Mrs. Monty Python

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2014, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in Absurd and/or zany, News You Can Use (Sort of), The human comedy and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to Those who are on the schneid

  1. EdG says:

    How about those who were very unhappy on the Maginot line but are now very happy about being above the Mendoza line. Except Mario Mendoza.

    Like

  2. • Those who think this post is Comedic Genius and those who think it’s Geniusly Comedic.
    Ps. Even though I normally dislike bathroom humor, my fave one was the plugged toilet! (But loved entire thing!)

    Like

    • PMcG says:

      You really should not gush so, Little Miss, but thanks from the bottom of my top. BTW: You never hear about dining room humor or den humor or tool shed humor or library-with-one-crummy-shelf-of old-paperbacks-including-an-unread-War-and-Peace humor. Bathroom humor, you tend to hear. I shall say no more.

      Like

  3. marstokyo says:

    What’s the shneid? is that like a schnozz? or a schzlubb?

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  4. PMcG says:

    It means losing streak or run of bad luck. You hear it a lot in baseball. I think I need to do a FAQ on it. Thursday.

    Like

  5. tenderlytina says:

    Those who are speechless and those laughing too hard to type straight.

    Like

  6. Wow, this is a great collection of “Two Types of People in the World” sayings! This is one of my favorites: “Those who can fix a plugged toilet and those who can plug a fixed one.”

    And the thing about people believing they are God. And the one about hating no one or hating everyone. OK I liked quite a few of them!

    -john

    Like

    • PMcG says:

      John,
      There are two types of people who comment on my blog posts: those who say nice/acceptable/non-slanderous things and those who want to send me a bag of money but have temporarily misplaced their bag and will get back to me as soon as they find it. I believe you fall into the first category (and thanks mucho) but, if it helps, I can overnight you a sturdy bag that holds up to a king’s ransom. Just tossing it out there. No pressure.
      Pat

      Like

  7. PMcG says:

    Hmmm. Let me just check your credit rating. (Don’t worry, it’s free). I’ll need bank account and social security numbers. And don’t fret your little selves about security. There is none. BTW: I never sell private information to anyone but the Russians (the good Russians).

    Like

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