Q. I have a friend who has been diagnosed with mental health. Is it contagious?
A. You tell me. Recently, scientists put laboratory mice with mental health into a cage with mice who were crazy about bluegrass. After an hour, the mice with mental health were singing that high, lonesome harmony on “Wreck of the Old ’97,” and asking about banjo lessons.
Q. I’m worried about going crazy. What can I do to prevent that?
A. One of the key misunderstandings about mental health is that people who get it are crazy. The important thing to remember: if you don’t have the one, you don’t necessarily not have the other. Give or take. But be wary. When you talk openly to the trees, the net people will find you.
Q. I’ve heard people at work say “we just need to put our heads together and we’ll figure this out.” Isn’t that how mental health spreads?
Q. What about bodily fluids?
A. Always wash your hair after thinking.
Q. If you’re doing mental gymnastics, should you wear sweat pants on your head?
A. Does a giraffe stand in the front row for the annual group shot at the zoo?
A. Go ahead. Wear them.
Q. What is the difference between being crazy and being a knucklehead?
A. People may refer to you sometimes as a “crazy knucklehead.” This is a misnomer — not to be confused with a mrsnomer or a misternomer. Crazy and knucklehead are very distinct terms, as different, for example, as clowns named Bozo and Cracko. Fact is, if you are a crazoid, people seldom call you a knucklehead — unless it’s in the context of “Oh you crazy knucklehead, now I’m going to have to spank you.”
Q. How do you know if you’ve come down with mental health?
A. Start every day by asking yourself: am I crazy? If you answer yes, then you’re fine. If you say no, then you’re fine. If a voice says “Who wants to know?” and it sounds like your mother but your mother is in Kansas visiting the wheat, then go immediately into the bathroom and brush your teeth.
A. Look, if you’ve got mental health you’ll certainly need dental health, because dentists don’t want nut jobs with bleeding gums dripping any nut juice on them.
Q. My father says Uncle Ed is “crazy as a bedbug,” but Aunt Martha is “an out-and-out lunatic.” Which is worse?
A. As long as Aunt Martha stays out and out, you’re okay and okay. Might want to change the locks. As for Uncle Ed, it’s bad enough to be like a bed bug, because they bite. To be a crazy bedbug, well, let’s just say Uncle Ed might want to start flossing.
Q. My father says he has a mind like a steel trap. Is that good or bad?
A. The problem with keeping your mind in a steel trap is that after a while it turns feral. The next time you open the steel trap, say, to find out where you left your keys, that mind could bite you. Getting rabies from your own mind is no picnic (although barbecuing hamburgers and hotdogs is). Your father’s steel trap may be a ploy to keep from admitting he has lost his mind (probably left in a Sears dressing room when he was trying on sweat pants.)
©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2014, all rights reserved.
You are the Wordplay WordMaster!
Thank you, Little Miss. But I have promises to keep and miles to go before the beer store closes.
I have to ask . . . how many Looney Tunes do you know the words to?
Tom, Because of the sensitivity of this case, my attorney has asked me not to be his client anymore. So I won’t be able to comment further until the end of time. At that time I’ll have plenty to say, although, as you’ll understand I’m sure, time will be short.
So funny–one hilarious line after another…and I needed some good laughs today, so thanks!
It’s a comfort to know you’re laughing with me, not at me.
I can’t believe we’re related….I remember you as a sweet boy playing with Plasticville in the den….was there an alien in the set that put a plastic chip in your brain……if so let it be…..your better than a shrink….carry on Mr. Chips……
I’ll take that as a left handed compliment, seeing as how you’re left handed. And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we’re not really related–unless you count the brother-sister paradigm.
Yep definitely Laughing WITH ya!! I Love this! With a few MI diagnoses myself I sadly have heard more than a few of these queries BUT I LOVE LOVE LOVE your answers! What a Treat!! Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for your thoughts. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it at way too often: The only difference between being ka-razy and having enough mental health to last until payday is about 48 hours. Which means we are all about 48 hours from walking into a bar with a duck on our head. Of course, mental health is no laughing matter which is why no one in that bar would ever laugh at your choice of head animal. Now, some people might point rudely and nudge their neighbor in the ribs and shout out “Duck!” Others might go “Quack, quack.” But know this: inside they are crying. Which is why we, as a nation, have to find a way to get these crybaby neighbor nudgers out of our bars.
God speed (unless you’re in a school zone.)