That’s a pretty big IF

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then you can keep your hat too.

If you really love me, you’ll address me as your highness.

If I was a baseball announcer and someone hit a home run I would shout “Holy macaroni, the meatball has left the pot.”

If you don’t settle down, I’m coming up there.

If I were a rich man I would not have people dancing on my roof. Someone falls off and Bingo, you’re a pauper.

If Shakespeare were alive I’d ask him why he didn’t write his plays in English.

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride to the nearest horse auction.

If wishes were fishes we’d have some to fry and while they were frying I’d say “I don’t get it, I wished for a new car and I get a walleye platter.”

If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the hot tub.

If you find yourself thinking of me someday, please don’t think about the time I barfed in your grandmother’s urn.

If I were you, pal, I’d watch myself. Of course, if I really were you I’d wonder how to watch myself without eyes in the back of my head. So I’d just watch the front part. If I said “If I were you I’d watch it,” then, if I really were you I wouldn’t be sure what it we were talking about. This is a world jam-packed with its. If l said “If I were you I’d watch my step,” then, if I were really you I’d wonder if I meant the steps at my house, the steps at my job, the steps I use to climb onto the elephant or simply every step I take. So I’m just going to wag my finger and say in a real threatening tone “If…” BTW: if I were you I’d change my drawers and I don’t mean dresser drawers.

If the world were to end tomorrow I guarantee I’d hit the Powerball tonight. Put another way: if I win the Powerball tonight, don’t make plans for tomorrow.

If I had a nickel for every time my boss smiled at me in the last 10 years, he’d owe me four cents.

If I live long enough I’ll wonder if it’s just long enough, or just long enough to long for enough already.

If I ever get out of this place I will probably find another place just like it and ring the doorbell.

If, when all is said and done that’s all there is, somebody’s got some ‘splainin’ to do.

If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of? No, really. I’m serious.

If this, then that. If not, try the other thing.

If you can fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds’ worth of distance run, big whoop. What about the unforgiving hour or the seriously unforgiving 16-hour double shift?

If you scratcha my car, I breaka you face. If you scratcha my face, I breaka you car. If you scratcha my dog I say why you scratcha so much? When you scratcha you head, I breaka you head. You scratcha no more, I breaka no more. I scratcha my dog, he licka my face. Itsa simple, no?

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2014, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, The human comedy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to That’s a pretty big IF

  1. willow1945 says:

    Really funny, Pat. Too many favorites to list! You really have a wonderful and zany way with words–a delight.


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