The F-bomb work-around

Have you ever found yourself so angry you wanted to drop the F-bomb on someone? But you knew if you did, some little weasel would wag a finger at you and say “I’m telling.”

You know it will eventually get back to Sister San Quentin who, of course, is long dead, but still so intimidating that even Mr. Big (who had her in kindergarten) didn’t have the nerve to send her to the suburbs.

This, in spite of St. Peter saying “If you let her in, you can just get yourself another pearly gate-keeper.” Which is why St. Bismuth now handles all inquiries at the front portico while Pete juggles the idiotic prayers of fantasy football players.

Look, the last thing you need is a dead nun grabbing you by the hair and breathing on you (after all, it’s why you’re practically bald). Yet your anger, your honor, your contempt of congress demands a stinging rebuke to whoever dared to disrupt your pursuit of happiness.

Not to worry. What follows is a list of stinging, salty barbs you can easily substitute for F-bombs and other foul balls. They are guaranteed to give you anger-defusing satisfaction while offending no one. Plus, they give your hair a chance to grow back.

“What the…” F-bomb substitutes
• Frigg, frack, frick, farouk, freak, fripp, frapp, freep, fongool

“Are you out of your…” F-bombing substitutes
• Frigging, fracking, fricking, farouking, freaking, fripping, frapping, freeping, fongooling.

Note that these words can easily be combined into a cluster F-bomb
• Who the frick-frack is Balenciaga, you fongooling frapp?
• You freaking, fripping, farouk-head.

Go ahead, tell me those babies won’t sting.

Traditionalists, of course, may complain that these substitute words stray too far from the original intent of the F-bomb, i.e., encouraging someone to immediately go out and do the deedley-do with either oneself or someone else, whether human or beast.

Non problemo: One can simply shout “go sexual-intercourse a goat.” Notice how sexual- intercourse here is no longer a weak noun but a very punchy and stinging tractor-trailer verb.

Other possibilities include “Get the boingity-boom out of here.” “Go eat raisin bran with a dead walrus.” And “Why don’t you do the Macarena with an aardvark?”

Here are some general bad language clean-ups. Enjoy!

You are full of…
• rapidly expanding beans
• fossil fuel
• after dinner mints
• bad burritoes
• blarbola

Holy…you did what?
• Holy crackers and cheese
• Holy Madagascar
• Holy Mary, mother of Larry
• Holy moo moo

Mother of God!
• Mother of Stonewall Jackson!
• Mother of Vlad the Impaler!
• Mother of Pope Curly!
• Mother of Bob!
• Mother of the man who put the ram in the rama rama dingdong!

What the…
• cherry credenza
• pork loin
• soft shell crab
• Wal-Mart
• Garbanzo
(See also Poop, above)

Rather than risk a lighting bolt from on high with “Jesus, Mary and Joseph!” try:
• Larry, Moe and Curly Joseph!
• Fatso, Ratso and Pee Wee Herman!
• Peter, Paul and hairy Mary!
• Many, Moe and Jackson Pollock!
• Hickory, dickory, Doctor Kevorkian!

All-purpose epithets
• Bobdammit
• Well I’ll be a beaver without portfolio
• Dang-doodle-doofing-dorf
• Kiss my dog and call him Walter
• Go sit on a tuffet
• Drink my hair without ice
• Eat my sweat socks tartar

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2014, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of), The human comedy and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to The F-bomb work-around

  1. Ih8lwyrs says:



  2. PMcG says:

    Oh My Goodness, I presume?


  3. Tom Urtz says:

    Best ever!!!


  4. Tom says:

    Patrick . . . you and Sister San Quentin didn’t get along? How many years in purgatory will I get for the time I used a ball peen hammer on a ball peen of course, and managed to whack my thumb. I let out a zesty “G-d bless America.” Would it have been less problematic to shout “G-d bless the Vatican”?


  5. ditchthebun says:

    In teaching myself to not swear my Husband believes I have given myself tourettes because now when I road rage I yell out ridiculous nonsensical things which he finds hilarious! The word “monkey” often makes an appearance, my Husband’s favourites to date are “you monkey nose hair”, “you putrid Koala’s armpit” and “well aren’t you a crocodile’s cloaca!”


  6. PMcG says:

    In the reptile world “crocodile’s cloaca” is known as the C-bomb. Just a head’s up. If I were you I’d seek professional counseling from a fongooling zoologist. Best wishes you monkey’s nose hair.


  7. EdG says:

    A little further research of the Latin literal translation followed by the progression of Italiano sub culture would reveal that Fongool is the Romanesque of the F Bomb. If that phrase is used in the company of folks from the Bada Bing club; you will meet Fredo Corleone very quickly!


  8. Good post…but the F*bomb is just so much easier to say….


  9. willow1945 says:

    My favorite is Mother of Vlad the Impaler, and I’ll make sure to give you credit whenever I use it.


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