•To my tens of thousands of fans I would like to say I am so sorry. This will never happen again.

•I want to thank my huge fan base for their prayers and tweets. I was stupid and my actions were unacceptable. This will never happen again.

•I know I said this will never happen again, and then it happened. What is with me? I’m an idiot. Although, thousands of you have tweeted that I’m not an idiot, just a lovable scamp who made a mistake, as we all do from time to time. I am really sorry. I will try much harder.

•I tried so hard to never do that thing again and I just keep doing it. To the many, many hundreds of adoring fans who have responded, I can only say I am going to seek outside help. In the meantime I’m sorry, sorry, sorry. I won’t do it again and I mean that.

•I asked the big famous richer-than-me star in the tract mansion across the street why I can’t seem to quit doing these unacceptable things. He said it’s because I’m a jerk. That really hurt. I don’t want to be a jerk and I appreciate all the supportive tweets from scores of my fans. I bought a book on how to stop acting like a jerk, written by a famously wealthy reformed jerk who once met Dr. Phil. To my fans: You probably won’t believe me when I say this, but I am really sorry. Really.

•I read the book on how to stop acting like a jerk. But the big shot across the street said the reformed jerk who wrote it is still a jerk. He just doesn’t act like a jerk anymore in public. I didn’t realize there was a difference between being and acting. I got confused and feel like a jerk because I went and did that unacceptable thing again. The guy across the street thinks I need industrial strength drugs.

•Look, I am as surprised as you are not, to be here again, apologizing for such egregious behavior. I even sought professional help. The doc said I was acting out a deep-seated anger I had toward my parents, my teachers, my boss, my accountant and my thousands of bonehead former fans. I asked him what my condition was called and he said “It’s called being a jerk.” I appreciate those dozens of fans who suggested I beg God’s forgiveness and, by the way, stop doing drugs and drinking at the same time.

•God, I’m sorry to be sorry again. And I do mean God. Fans, I had nowhere else to turn so I followed your advice and went to a wealthy, television pastor. He said that God still loved me. I said “God loves jerks?” And he said “Did I say that? Wow. Must have been a senior moment. What I should have said is that God loves jerks who don’t act like jerks when he’s around.” It sounded to me like the acting and being thing again. To my many fans—although not as many as last time (thanks a pantload)—I can only say that because I was confused, I got farouked out of my mind, went out and tipped over a cow. Which, as luck would have it, God had just created and milked.

•Good morning. I know some of you expect to hear me apologize for my role in the incident in question. But on advice of my lawyer, Trent Wabash of Wabash and Cannonball—the stout gentleman in the corner with the cowboy hat, toothpick and zombie eyes—I will have no comment. The issue is going through the legal process and until I am exonerated, I cannot say anything. But when this is over, you can bet your underpants I will tell my tens of fans why I did it and I’ll be apologizing big time. Count on it.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2014, all rights reserved.