Sign on White House fence

Attention IM-buh-sill

Apparently the voices in your head have told you to climb over this fence to get into the White House so you can:

a. use the throne
b. check out the blue room to see if it’s really blue
c. warn the president that a lunatic has just jumped over the fence
d. apply for the job of Secret Service director
e. reclaim your drone
f. deliver a pizza

If so, please ignore these voices, because:

a. The throne room is out of toilet paper. Try the House of Representatives. They get resupplied every 30 minutes.

b. The Green Room, which just returned from a vacation in Telluride, Colorado, is being treated for Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. So the Blue Room is covering for it while still handling its own Blue Room color schemes. Now it has come down with Blue-Green Fever, rendering it temporarily aquamarine. The walls have begun peeling and some of the portraits hung there have asked for a lawyer. Therefore, please bear with us and think about jumping the fence over at the International House of Pancakes. (They don’t call it IHOP for nothing.)

c. The president is in the throne room with the newspaper, and unless you have toilet paper, or a completely filled out March Madness bracket, he can’t see you. But we can. And if you set one foot into this yard we will seriously consider barking and/or telling on you.

d. The job of Secret Service director has been filled (with sand), but we may need a new Supreme Court Justice soon. So go ahead and climb over. Watch out for the dog poop. Oh, you will need a law degree so make sure you have that, or just go to law school and come back in four years. Or not. We’ll be here and the Supreme Court will still need help.

e. For drone returns, please take a number. When called, please have ready your proof of drownership; a valid elevator operator’s license; a notarized note from your therapist stating your diagnosis and whether it is your mother or father or a nun with whom you are angry enough to fly a drone over the White House fence and risk being unnoticed, ignored or made Chief of Staff of the air force.

f. Pizza deliveries are usually around in back, but frankly, they don’t tip so well there. So, if you have extra pepperoni, climb the fence and throw some to the dogs and the agents running after you. Come in the front door and just run right up the stairs to the president’s family quarters and knock three times. The first lady is a generous tipper. (BTW: The agent at the door loves anchovies. Just a hint.)

If there are still voices in your head and they are beginning to sound like a floor debate over whose lint don’t stick, you may actually be a Member of Congress (MOC). If so, simply turn around and walk down the street. It’s extremely important that you do nothing to exert yourself for the next two years. A lot like these past two years. Have a nice day.

Otherwise, be advised that secret service agents are hiding out in the bushes somewhere, hoping no one will notice they are doing nothing but checking their e-mail. In the unlikely event that they notice a trespasser, they have orders to shoot to make a loud noise, or just to say “Shoot!” in a raised, oh-farouk-me tone of voice.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2015, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of) and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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