I held a press conference to announce my candidacy in 2016, but a lot of you weren’t there.

Oh, yes, I noticed each and every one of you who didn’t show up, even after I sent all those engraved invitations. You know, it wasn’t easy chiseling all that English script into bathtub tiles with just a hammer and a sheetrock screw. Especially with somebody in the tub, splashing water on me the whole time.

Anyway, here’s the transcript of my press conference. Since none of you showed up I’ve taken the liberty of framing the kind of stupid questions you would have asked and the stupid answers I would have given, had I actually been stupid.

(FYI: I used to say and do forty stupid things a day. I tried to quit by going to bed early and getting up late and taking afternoon naps. Then I heard about the Stupid Patch which is worn over the butt to prevent dumb ass doings. I also wear one over my mouth and ever since I’ve been as smart as a cantaloupe rind across a sunburned glute.)

Q. Are you running for something in 2016?
A. Maybe.

Q. Would it be for dogcatcher?
A. Sorry. Overqualified. Plus you have to supply your own dog.

Q. Would it be for an office that begins with a P?
A. You’re getting warm.

Q. Is the second letter R?
A. Getting warmer.

Q. Is there an ick in there?
A. President of the Prickly Heat Consortium? Don’t be absurd.

Q. Why not? You’re being absurd. And prickly, too.
A. Am not.

Q. R 2. CM Wangs? M R Ducks.
A. LOL B. M R Ducks.

Q. Look, just tell us what you’re running from?
A. You mean for.

Q. Why would you say that the four of us are mean?
A. Why would time fly instead of taking the train to keep TSA friskers from feeling up its mountain standard time?

Q. And you expect people to vote for you?
A. I think we’ve gotten slightly off topic.

Q. Is that like being slightly off your rocker?
A. Look, can’t we all just get along?

Q. You silly goose.
A. Why is it that gooses are always silly? Do you think their sky-dumping, rains of terror are silly? Besides, silly is so stereotypical.

Q. What type of stereo do you have?
A. Typical. But I’m a certified stereotypist

Q. We were living happily ever after until you decided to throw this press conference.
A. You know what I hate about the press?

Q. Aren’t we supposed to be asking the questions?
A. It slows the game down.

Q. What does?
A. The press. Full court, half court, probate court, supreme court, traffic court, racketball court. Any court you can think of.

Q. Doesn’t racquetball have a Q in it?
A. You didn’t hear me pronounce the Q?

Q. If you had, you would have said rack-wit-ball. You said rack-it-ball.
A. So, Q followed by a U is now pronounced W? I go to the store to get a wart of milk? Fast sex in the front closet among the overcoats and roller skates is now a warter wickie? And a professor is fired for telling his class “I’m hitting you with a surprise wiz?”

Q. Aha! You’re running for president aren’t you?
A. I’m running for much more than precedent.

Q. Wouldn’t that be…unprecedented?
A. Only if I’m impeached or impaired.

Q. You’re bananas, aren’t you?
A. No, but my uncle is a cherry cobbler.

Q. Well sir, you haven’t got a prayer.
A. Good God, I hope you’re wrong.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2015, all rights reserved.