Today in “The Fundamentals of Being,” we discuss the age-old question “What if Mr. Peanut got fired?” Hands?

Jimmy: He’d have to turn in his monocle, top hat, spats and cane, right?

Bob: What a kick in the nuts.

L-o-l-a Lola: You’re so predictable, Bob.

Trollope: Just another big shot who thought his shell didn’t have a crack in it. And then bingo, bango, bongo, he’s on the street with all the other nuts.

Chiquita: I think I saw him this morning. He was mumbling “Sometimes I feel like a nut, sometimes I don’t.”

Dr. McGuire: Could he find a new job?

Bilbo: Not if he were unsalted.

Sandy Baby: It would ruin that joke where a gorilla, a bear and Mr. Peanut walk into a bar. The bartender says “Are you the gorilla who was here last week with that little raisinette?” The gorilla puts a toothpick in his mouth and nods, wondering where he’s going with this. Then he says to the bear “You the bear who came in last week with this gorilla and his date?” The bear mutters “We all look alike to you, don’t we?”

Bob: His date? I thought she was a raisinette.

Frogman: So you’re saying this gorilla, bear and Mr. Peanut came into the bar last week as well as right now? Shouldn’t the joke be about last week? He’d still have his job and we wouldn’t be having this discussion.

Sandy Baby: So, normally in the joke, the bartender says “Hey, it’s Mr. Peanut. Where’s the other half of your glasses?”

Waldo: That’s the whole joke?

Zeus: Wait. Why doesn’t he say “Are you the peanut who came in last week with a gorilla, a bear and what’s her fruit?”

L-o-l-a Lola: You mean he can’t remember a talking peanut with a monocle from one week to the next?

Dr. McGuire: Observation: Without the monocle there’s no fun in Fundamental. Just da mental.

Peter Piper: You’re saying the only talking nut out there with a monocle is Mr. Peanut?  What about near-sighted peanuts, blind in one eye?

Sandy Baby: Bottom line: If Mr. Peanut got fired, the bartender wouldn’t know him from Adam. He’d probably say “Who’s the nut?” Then it’s a completely different joke. It’s like if a gorilla, a bear and The Hulk walked into the bar, he wouldn’t say “Who’s the green guy?”

Ludmilla: Adam who?

El Cid: Not all green guys are The Hulk, you know. Ever hear of The Jolly Green Giant? And, hello. Orcs?

Bob: Back to last week. Did the bartender recognize Mr. Peanut as Mr. Peanut?

Sandy Baby: If not, the gorilla would have said “That’s Mr. Peanut, you dodo.” And the joke would go on from there.

Waldo: A very long joke.

Don Diego: Did they hire a new Mr. Peanut? In which case, Mr. Peanut still has a job. Get it?

Fabio: Hold on. The Mr. Peanut who got fired—was he already a guy named Peanut, or maybe even Peanutski from the old country? Maybe he wanted to be taken seriously, so they called him Mister Peanutski. The ski being silent.

Isthmus of Panama: Of course his family name is Peanut. He’s a peanut! You think they’d hire a guy named Grape to be Mr. Peanut?

Fifty-six cent: How does the joke change without Mr. Peanut?

Sandy Baby: Well, the bartender would probably say to the anonymous peanut “What’ll it be?” And he might say: “Gimme a crude oil, neat. Make it a double.” The bartender says “Are you nuts?” And the peanut says: “Nope, just me. This guy’s a gorilla and that guy is a bear. Haven’t you ever been to a zoo?”

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2015, all rights reserved.