Q. You keep talking about butt dialing. What does that mean?
A. Sometimes when you sit down with your smart phone in your back pocket, the weight of your butt pressing against your key pad inadvertently activates a phone number.

Q. Okay, back up for a second. You said something about my key pad. Is that the same thing as, you know, my, uh my bongo drums?
A. The key pad is a grid with numbers on it. You touch one and it registers on your screen. Just like when you touch the pad on your laptop.

Q. Touch the what? On my what?
A. Um, a number key on your computer.

Q. Okay, so phone numbers are kinda long. Wouldn’t you need a pretty twitchy butt to moosh around and grind out an entire telephone number?
A. You mean ants in your pants?

Q. Not my pants. I have a strict policy against anyone being in my pants at the same time as me.
A. Well, your butt doesn’t actually punch individual numbers.

Q. That’s because some butts don’t have a pointy end, like a finger, right?
A. I think it’s safe to say that, except for one or two functions, all butts are pointless.

Q. You don’t get around much, do you? Because I have seen some pretty edgy Heinekens in my day. If you’re picking up what I’m laying down.
A. In my day we just said the rosary.

Q. So tell me. How does your butt know which number to call?
A. Actually your butt doesn’t know anything.

Q. Then how come people keep calling me a smart ass?
A. I think you’re conflating your ass with your brain.

Q. Did you just call me a shithead?
A. No, but I’ll take a rain check.

Q. So you’re trying to tell me that my stupid butt can dial a number without me knowing about it?
A. It happens a lot. Usually your butt simply triggers a contact list or a recent call list or a favorite list where frequently called numbers are stored. They can automatically connect with one touch.

Q. So let’s say I win the Nobel Prize and the president calls me up and invites me to the White House. Later I plop down on a chair with my cell in my back pocket. Could my butt—without me knowing it—call the president back and cancel the meeting?
A. Can your butt talk?

Q. In a manner of speaking.
A. Right. If the president got a butt call from you it probably wouldn’t be any different than getting a call from any other ass.

Q. What else can my butt do behind my back?
A. Pretty much anything Mother Nature allows. Daily evacuations, getting the wind up…

Q. What about pooping and farting?
A. Always a deadly combination.

Q. I mean, wouldn’t I know if those things were happening?
A. It depends on how much beer you’ve had.

Q. I hear you.
A. No, I think that was you.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2015, all rights reserved.