The 5 Biggest Myths about Thanksgiving

1. The Indians arrived in a Plymouth.
A very common misconception. In fact, The Puritans sailed from England in The Mayflower, which hit a large rock just off Massachusetts. It sank within sight of the Cape Cod Plymouth dealership.

Because cars hadn’t yet been invented, the only Plymouth at the dealership was the visionary colonist Walter Plymouth, who was 300 years ahead of his time. Which was too bad because did he ever have a deal for you. He was so distraught that he went on to invent Plymouth Rock and Roll.

At his court-martial, the Mayflower captain claimed to have shouted “Reverse thrusters,” but got no response from the engine room. He was also said to have failed an Early American “Blow the Man Down,” breathalyzer test, which involved counting the number of colonists who fell over when he opened his mouth at point-blank range.

The Indians, meanwhile, arrived at the Thanksgiving feast on foot. They kept removing their moccasins at the dinner table, fanning their smoking feet with moose feathers. To make them feel welcome, the colonists also removed their shoes.

In a spontaneous outburst of “Show me yours and I’ll show you mine,” Bob, the colonist, shouted “This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home, this little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none, this little piggy cried wee wee wee all the way home.” The Indians later complained that their homeward wee-ing was caused by sadness that no one ever passed them the roast beef platter.

2. The Indians and colonists got into a food fight during the first Thanksgiving dinner
False. The so-called “fight” was a slight misunderstanding over who got to sit at the big table with the grownups and the gravy, and who had to sit with the kids and the squash at the three-legged card table. Only one—repeat, one—Indian was put in a time-out–for throwing a handful of squash, after shouting “I am so sick of squash.”

3. The first Thanksgiving Day Packers-Lions football game was blacked out.
Look, there was no television then, so nobody could watch the game. In fact, the Indians didn’t mind because they had never heard of football. As it turned out, the colonists hadn’t either.

Until that was pointed out to them, a bit of friendly horseplay developed over who got to sit on the couch and recliner and who would be stuck sitting on the butt-breaking wooden chairs borrowed from the local funeral home. Oh, and the stupid bean bag.

4. No Turkey was served at the first Thanksgiving.
Actually, when the colonists first invited the Indians to dinner, their chief replied “How could it hurt? What are you having?”

His wife then jabbed him in the ribs and cleared her throat menacingly. The chief then said “Oh, right. Can we bring anything?”

Bob, the colonist, replied “Why don’t you bring the turkey.” When they showed up with spaghetti and eel balls, Bob the colonist asked menacingly “Where’s the turkey?” The chief pointed to his brother-in-law and said “You asked for him, so don’t come whining to me when he starts throwing squash.”

5. The Indians weren’t really Indians, but freeloaders from Scranton.
Partially true. The name “Indian” was the name applied to them by Bob the Colonist, who thought they were in Indiana. Actually, the Indians lived just two doors down and preferred to be called Wampanoag–the name of their tribe. Either that, or simply “Native Americans.” To which Bob said “Good luck with that, Red.”

No Indians were forced from their land onto reservations or attacked at dawn in the writing of this blog.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2015, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in Absurd and/or zany, News You Can Use (Sort of), Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to The 5 Biggest Myths about Thanksgiving

  1. roseannadana says:

    I’m so glad Bob found his way into this Thanksgiving post….lol all the way through it…great way to start the day….rosannadana

    Like

  2. edg says:

    Is this the Common Core version?

    Like

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