Press this

Please listen carefully as some of our prompts have recently changed.
No they haven’t. They’re the same old prompts you always have.

Au contraire, mon bozon. These are brand new prompts, fresh from the oven.
Try me.

These prompts are piping hot, so don’t burn your ears and then try to sue us because we didn’t warn you. Because we just warned you, Bilbo.
My name is Raymond J. Johnson, Jr. Now you can call me Ray, or you can call me J, or you can call me Johnny, or you can call me Sonny, or you can call me Junie, or you can call me Junior; now you can call me Ray J, or you can call me RJ, or you can call me RJJ, or you can call me RJJ Jr. But you doesn’t hasta call me Bilbo.*

If this is an emergency please hang up and call somebody else.
Like who?

We don’t care. Kim Jong Un. Johnny Manziel. Mister Softee. Shadrach, Meshach and/or Abednigo.
Okay, that one is new.

If you know the extension of the person you wish to speak to, we’re putting you on hold anyway. If you want to speak to a supervisor, press one for India, two for Van Dieman’s Land, three for Bhutan, four for Alpha Centauri, five for Grant’s Tomb.
I just pressed six. Ha!  Take that.

This call may be recorded for blackmail purposes. If you say something immature like fart, we’re telling. It will go on your permanent record. You’ll never get another job. You’ll end up a homeless wino, press one; an embittered scold, press two; the governor of New Jersey, press three; a banana split, press four; a flea on a fly on a leaf on a branch on a bump on a log in a hole in the bottom of the sea, press five.
Fartfartfartfartfartfart.

Please tell us why you called. For example if you have a snotty question about your bill, say “Incoming!” Don’t forget to sound the exclamation point.
Why don’t you press my shorts! (Unnh)

Sorry, I didn’t get that. Let’s try something else. Put your left foot in, take your left foot out.
Stop playing that horrible music when I’m on hold. It sounds like the Nostradamus Marching Shoehorn Band playing the Woody Woodpecker song.

To hear these prompts again, press one; to scream the word poop, press two; to schedule your autopsy press three; to eat every last bite of broccoli on your plate or die where you sit, don’t press your luck, mister; to end this call, um, let’s see. How about hang up you idiot! (Unnh).
What prompts you to be so rude? I mean, aside from cement in your bowels syndrome?

If you would like to speak to an operator, please press zero. The charge is $5.95 per minute, with a minimum of five minutes, because these are very hot operators. We accept the following cards: Visa, Master Card, American Bowling Congress and six of diamonds.
Is Wanda available?

Please hold for three days while we figure out what we’re doing.
I already have. I’ll give you another six hours and then I’m coming down there with a banjo.

Your call is barely important to us. When it is finally your turn to beg us for help, we will give you the same lengthy run around we give everybody. In the meantime here is a catchy recording of Incense and Peppermint by the Iowa Caucus Tabernacle Choir. Enjoy! (Unnh)

*Bless you, Billy Saluga. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ray_J._Johnson,_Jr.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2016, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, The human comedy and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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