Q. How can I tell if I have a Caravaggio in my attic?
A. Is that the guy who does the Wolf Blitzer impersonations?
Q. No. Wolf Blitzer does those. He’s very good at it.
A. I wouldn’t want to find him in my attic. Guy never stops asking stupid questions.
Q. So. Caravaggio?
Q. Come on. How would I know if it’s really Caravaggio in my attic?
A. You get a lot of traffic up there in your attic, do you?
Q. The occasional presidential candidate. Sometimes a lightning rod dealer. I know who they are. I don’t know how to tell for sure if my Caravaggio is bona fide.
A. Whoever is up there, ask for some ID. Be sure you don’t take any American Bowling Congress ID cards. You don’t want anything to do with anyone in any kind of Congress.
Q. What about sexual Congress?
A. Isn’t that an oxymoron? Like Jumbo shrimp? Or President Trump? (That last one being both ox and moron.)
Q. So, I was up in the attic this morning and I found one.
A. A Caravegetable?
Q. That’s just it. I don’t know. I read about a guy who found a Caravaggio in his attic and he got $136 million bucks.
A. Caraboogalu had that much cash on him? What was he doing in the guy’s attic?
Q. Gathering dust
A. He’s a collector?
Q. No. People actually collect him.
A. My neighbor used to collect people. He stopped after his third wife took him to the cleaners. Now he collects coins. Well, actually, just loose change. He keeps a little pile of it on his dresser. Very sad.
Q. You do know I’m talking about a painter?
A. Carawayseed is painting your attic?
Q. Not exactly. He’s a painting in my attic.
A. Isn’t that what I said? So, what does he do when he’s a not painting. Is he a singing? A dancing?
Q: All I know is that I found him in a box.
A: In a box? Is he a dead?
Q: A long time dead.
A: So, you’re telling me you found a dead guy named Cowabunga in your attic, which he is now painting? Have you ever thought that maybe you have a few toys in your attic?
Q: Ha Ha. What a kidder. You do know, I presume, that Caravaggio was Baroque?
A: Not surprising. Attic painters get desperate when they’re baroke. Even worse when they’re dead baroke.
Q. I meant the Baroque movement.
A. Ah, the old outstretched hand. Buddy can you spare ten bucks for a double latte and a New York Review of Books?
Q. Look, Baroque artists…
A. Oh, so now he’s an artist. Doesn’t make him any less dead.
Q. …painted what was happening as it happened. Whereas, the Renaissance painters painted the scene before it happened.
A. I’ll bite. What happened?
Q. Revolutionary art
A. Isn’t he the same Art who helped Washington paint the rec room at Valley Forge? I think he even repainted George’s wooden teeth. Or maybe that was the picket fence at the White House. Anyway, he went baroke because it was so cold up there that he froze the hair off his brushes.
Q. Art means different things to different people.
A. Yeah, but if you hung around with Revolutionary Art, you knew you were going to end up dead. Same goes for Washington. And guess what? They’re both dead.
Q. Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to take my Caravaggio to an expert.
A. Or a coroner. By the way there’s an app for that.
©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2016, all rights reserved.