Pronouns of the Apocalypse

Q. Can I ask you something in confidence?
A. In confidence of what?

Q. In confidence you’ll keep it to yourself.
A. Hmm. A very unfrequently asked question here at the F.A.Q. card table. Let me think about it.

Q. Okay.
A. Of course, to think about it, I’d have to know what it is

Q. If I tell you what it is, will you keep that to yourself?
A. Hmm. I’ll think about that while I’m thinking about it.

Q. So what do you think?
A. About that? Or it?

Q. I need to think about it.
A. While you’re at it, I’ll think about that.

Q. That won’t be necessary. I think it will suffice.
A. Okay, it it is.

Q. It’s kind of embarrassing, you know. That’s why I want you to keep it under your hat.
A. I left my hat in the car.

Q. Hard to keep something under your hat without a hat.
A. Look, I said I have a hat.

Q. If I’m looking — which I am, because you just asked me to — and I don’t see a hat, then it could be said that you are sans chapeau.
A. I’m going to think about that and I’m going to think about it, but as I’m already thinking about an it and a that, while simultaneously looking for my French-English dictionary, perhaps you could help me prioritize which it and/or that you want me to think about first.

Q. It’s up to you.
A. Hold the phone, Jerome. I thought you were handling it. Maybe you meant to say “That’s up to you?” Which still isn’t very clear, if you feel me. And I wouldn’t advise it. Or that. Because now I’m confused about which it we’re talking about.

Q. Be that as it may…
A. That as it? Do you realize impersonating a pronoun will get you in trouble with The Grammar Lady? And why May? It’s October.

Q. It is October. But…
A. But is it October? Is that the it? Moreover is it the that?

Q. No. It’s not that.
A. But what if it is?

Q. Trust me, it’s neither here nor there.
A. Is it anywhere?

Q. I hadn’t thought of that.
A. That is obvious.

Q. I don’t think it’s that obvious.
A. That’s obviouser.

Q. Um, excuse me, I need to go take a nap in Aruba.
A. That is grammatically irrelevant.

Q. No, it’s not.
A. Exactly. Because I said that is irrelevant. It isn’t. Not at all. By the way, a lot of people from New Jersey go there. Just saying.

Q. I hadn’t thought of it that way.
A. If you stopped over-thinking it, that would never be a problem.

Q. That’s what she said.
A. Who said?

Q. Again, can you keep it under your hat?
A. To be honest, I keep my head under my hat, when I’m wearing my hat. The one in the car. And there’s not a lot of extra room.

Q. So, that’s that?
A. No. That’s it. Like my hat, that remains to be seen.

Q. I still don’t get it.
A. Things would go a lot easier if you didn’t fight it.

Q. But it’s not easy.
A. Look, it is what it is. And that is the truth.

Q. That can’t be the truth. It feels so wrong.
A. That’s just it. The thing about truth: It hurts. Even in Aruba.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2016, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in Absurd and/or zany, F.A.Q., Mockery and derision and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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