In the old days, a tough question at a job interview might be “How many murders have you committed?” Or “If we hire you, will you murder any of us? Specifically, um, me?”

But today’s employers have gotten creative in sorting the chaff from the wheat. Statistics show that chaff hires have quadrupled in the past few wheat seasons because there is such a crying need for chaff. (Ironically, there is no crying in chaff.)

Employers now bypass a job seeker’s comfort zone and expose the real dickweed loser they’re going to end up hiring and making miserable anyway.

For example, rather than “How well do you get along with others?” employers may ask “How would you react if a rabbi, a priest and an atheist knocked over your falafel stand because they were so busy arguing about jambalaya, crawfish pie and filet gumbo that they weren’t watching where they were going. They refuse to pay for damage and the crawfish pie guy screams ‘What is this ca ca on my shoes?’”

Other weird questions being asked today at interviews include:

• Where don’t you want to be and why? (Risky answer: North Dakota. Because I’d keep getting it mixed up with North Carolina and I’d be late to work a lot.)

• What is a common misperception people have of you and why? (Inadvisable answer: That I‘m dead, because I seldom move or breathe.)

• What would you do if you found a penguin in the freezer?

Seriously, this question was put to an actual job-seeker at the corporate offices of the trendy food pusher, Trader Moe’s.

But come on, no employer makes up a question like that. Someone in that organization—probably Moe–found a penguin in his freezer and wanted to know what to do and whether it was gluten-free. The question went viral and now employers everywhere pose the penguin question to job prospects—even though those employers don’t even know the correct answer.

Think of the idiots erroneously hired into high paying jobs because they’d ask the penguin “Why did the moron tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?” or “Please don’t eat all the Cherry Garcia.”

What is the right penguin strategy?

I opened my freezer recently to retrieve a bag of frozen lima beans. I find that duct-taping frozen limas to my head—not individually, of course–cures a headache while also defrosting the beans in time for supper.

I had one of those thumping hangovers from too many Norwegians–not the people next door to Sweden, but their favorite beverage: 190 proof Everclear mixed with the sweat of an unsuspecting walleye looking for a place to float belly up for a couple of hours.

When I saw a penguin lounging among the frozen limas, I stumbled out of the house, screaming.

My neighbor called out “Penguin in your freezer?” I nodded and he said “Been to a wedding recently?” Indeed, I had, just the day before. A very formal, but very wild Norwegian wedding. Uffda!* I ran back into the house, re-opened the freezer and found my badly wrinkled black tuxedo, tails and all, among the lima beans.

I’d made the common mistake of confusing the freezer with the washing machine—hey, it’s a wash-n-wear tux onesie. Nobody’s perfect. True, I shouldn’t have been confused, because what penguin can tie a bow tie?

While this may help at your next job interview, be careful. If they ask “What if you find a penguin in your washing machine?” tell them you’d make damn sure to pre-treat with  Uffda-Begone®

*Norwegian translation of ethnic exclamations such as ¡Ay, caramba! Oy vey! and What the poupon?(WTP)

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2016, all rights reserved.