The p is silent

Waiting requires patience. Patience requires sainthood. Sainthood requires a death certificate. Okay, we’re back live and still waiting. Look, everybody has to wait on something every day and nobody likes it except those offering it up for the souls in Purgatory. (Talk about waiting.)

But instead of becoming more obnoxious than usual, why not view waiting as an opportunity? You could use the time to meditate, for example, or tweet the president. Maybe even compose some hay coup (p is silent).

Stuck waiting for brakes
in tire store with TV tuned
to Fox: the horror

You could reflect on the ordinary, like the label on your bottle of V-8. Note that a label above the V-8 label announces “Fresh, new look label.” Can’t you see somebody running into a conference room, shouting “What good is it to have a fresh new look label if we don’t add a label that tells people it’s fresh and new and deserves a look? Otherwise, they’re down the aisle feeling up the Mango-Squid cocktail.”*

Waiting for the boss
to make up his mind, Johnson
assembled his own

Some waiting situations test our quite deserved sense of entitlement — the sworn enemy of sainthood (requires death, remember?) Why not channel your inner “Do they know who I am?” to your outer “I’m really smart. Look, I wrote a pome.”**

Waiting for Godot
got old so I tweeted “Yo
Godot: where beez you?”

Consider the doctor’s waiting room — a concept invented by the Spanish Inquisition. It often tests our patience as patients, plus our sense of irony, a test we will fail unless we finished the chapter on the meaning of irony. Which we didn’t.

The last patient waits
alone with crap magazines,
gut pain, no wi-fi

But when you phone a doctor an automated voice says “If you’ve been gored by a bull, duh, hang up and call an ambulance, though you’re probably too late.” You are then put on hold as punishment for being alive.

On hold forever
to complain about waiting
on hold forever

Many companies that sell call-answering systems are aware that very long holds can make a grown man want to lock and load. Thus was born the idea of providing calming music for those waiting on hold and within reach of a BannonCannon 50.2 cc 2-cycle 4 amp 8 acorn Leaf Flamer.

Um, on-hold music
sounds like Manson’s prison band
and six cats on meth

Not even Richard Simmons could turn explosive rage into warm and fuzzy rage. It can’t be done – not unless another line opens up and you knock enough people over to get there first.

I wait in long line
For kind clerk, while grumpy clerk’s
short line draws sniper

People have been waiting in line since they started handing out brains. It’s too bad brains came just before the eardrum line and not after, because a lot of people thought they were handing out cranes and didn’t bother waiting because who needs a crane to lift a beer?

Speaking of beer, remember when your mother used to say, you need a haircut?

Waiting for barber.
Butt on rock-hard folding chair.
Squirming, re-squirming.

Or “just wait until your father comes home.”

Wait just a second,
you can’t talk to me like that.
I’m your father, Luke

Undoubtedly you’re familiar with the philosopher who reminded us that life isn’t about crossing the finish line. It’s about the journey. A little known fact: that philosopher tweeted his observation while waiting on hold to get an ambulance out to where he’d been gored by a bull.

On his tombstone:

To complain about
waiting on hold forever
one waits and waits and…

*Formerly Molotov.
**Did I mention I’m also very wealthy?

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2017, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in Mockery and derision. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to The p is silent

  1. EdG says:

    Mango squid is gooderer than V 8*

    * I once was a thespian but now I am a wordsmith

    Like

  2. PMcG says:

    I think I need to call you a cab. You’re a cab.

    Like

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