One strike away

Have you ever started to sing “Somewhere, over the rainbow” but forgot what comes after the?

Have you ever started to blow your nose but weren’t paying enough attention because you were reading the New York Times on your device and suddenly swerved to avoid a paragraph about Nebuchadanezzer (because you’re just not into ancient Babylon) and you lost control of your nose and fumbled the Kleenex and double-nostrilled into international airspace while your dignity rolled down an embankment and overturned with the flubbed Kleenex drifting, floating, screwing with your mental, and all you could think of was whether you-know-who took it the wrong way, got into a Huff and drove off with the last deviled egg?

Have you ever said to someone “I’m not getting any younger,” and had them respond “Not true. Yesterday you were the 71-year-old leader of the free world and today you’re a 9-year-old leader of the free (only less so than yesterday) world.”

Have you ever thought of just keeping it to yourself?

Have you ever sank back and sighed at the state of the world, but a burp came out instead? Have you ever burped and tried to explain it was a sigh gone wrong? Have you ever fluffed and claimed it was a burp gone wrong because a sigh went wrong? Have you ever gone down a narrow hallway and tried to squeeze between two people who were standing there talking, rudely blocking your way? And just as you were in the middle of the squeeze, you quite accidentally broke the sound barrier?  Have you ever gotten over that? When you suddenly recall that incident in the middle of a meeting, say, do you sink back and sigh, but a burp comes out instead?

Have you ever answered a question and then said “Was that the right answer? Because, I have others.”

Have you ever noticed that the guy who has been following you for the past three days looks a lot like the guy who was following you last month? When you confronted him he claimed to be a secret service agent named Mel, assigned to your detail. Does Mel know you absolutely abhor details?

Have you ever said to yourself “If I had a beard I would shave it?” Conversely, have you ever said to yourself “If I didn’t have a beard, I doubt if I would shave it?”

Have you ever seen what horse tranquilizers can do to a horse? Have you ever secretly wished you were a horse? Have you ever been measured for a saddle?

Have you ever gone out for a walk and presto! you suddenly became a bowler on the pro tour, one strike away from a perfect score of 300, and you stopped and gripped your Brunswick Snake Glo in both hands and went into your dainty, four-step approach to the alley, swinging your ball so far behind it was yesterday back there, and then you glid into your glide and let loose your Brunswick with an ecstatic cry of “El Cid!” and then presto! resumed walking down the street as if nothing happened?

Have you ever thought of just knocking it off?

Have you ever told so many lies that your pants spontaneously combusted and nobody ran for a fire extinguisher? Completely off topic: has your nose ever grown as long as a telephone wire?

If you answered yes to any of the above, please leave the planet immediately. Don’t forget to leave behind the little book with all the missile codes.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2017, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of) and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to One strike away

  1. Gramps says:

    I’m taking the book with me.

    Like

  2. PMcG says:

    Get in line.

    Like

  3. middle child says:

    Have you ever had a brother who makes you laugh till your sides ache?

    Like

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