Q. How do I get to my grandmother’s house?
A. Go over the river and through the woods.
Q. Which one? I always get my rivers mixed up.
A. Don’t worry. The horse knows the way.
Q. What horse?
A. The one who carries your sleigh.
Q. Why would a horse carry a sleigh? Wouldn’t he just pull it?
A. He would, were it not for the white and drifting snow. Ho!
Q. So…What if I don’t have a horse?
A. Why would you not have a horse?
A. Because, most people have horses, you know.
Q. That’s not true.
A. All right. Many people have horses.
Q. How about some people have a horse and most people don’t.
A. Well, if you want to get snippy about it. But just out of curiosity: why don’t you have a horse?
Q. A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse. Look, why does everything in life always come down to who has a horse and who doesn’t? A. Well now, there’s a question for the ages. But not a frequently asked question, mind you. I’m not really qualified to saddle that one up. Perhaps you should try the UNFAQ desk over the hill and very far away.
Q. I mean, why not a…a rhinoceros?
A. You’d take a rhinoceros to Grandma’s house? We’ve already had somebody’s Grandma run over by a reindeer. I don’t think…
Q. And his name is Bob.
A. You’re saying you have a rhinoceros named Bob?
Q. Like in the song. On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a rhinoceros named Bob.
A. With the big horn and everything?
Q. No. This one comes with silver bells.
A. You’re making this up.
Q. I swear. The thing is, around this time of year you have to tickle his butt with a feather.
A. I shouldn’t ask this. But, why?
Q. To hear the bells on Bob’s tail ring.
A. You know, it’s not nice to fool with the FAQ man. Especially around Christmas
Q. Speaking of whom, here’s my real question: Is Santa Claus real?
A. (Whispering) Keep your voice down. Little kids might overhear and it would break their heart.
Q. Overhear what?
A. (Whispering) You know, about…
Q. I’m not a professional lip reader but did you just mime the words “There’s no Santa Claus?”
Q. You’re nodding your head, so I’ll take that as a yes. But just to be clear, it’s yes, there’s no Santa Claus, right?
Q. You’re shaking your head. So that’s not what you said?
Q. You’re nodding your head. So that is what you didn’t say?
Q. By the way, is that why you’re wearing a Santa Claus suit? And is that why there’s so many little kids in this line?
Q. Look, I don’t want to tell you how to run your Santa Claus gig, but you really ought to think about having two lines. One for Santa’s kids and one for serious adults with frequently asked questions.
Q. Did you just mime “There are two lines? A.
Q. You’re miming again. This time it looks like you said “Get this fruitcake off my lap.” Why would anyone have a fruitcake on his lap?
Q. Oh. My bad. Does this mean coal in my stocking?
©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2017, all rights reserved.