Q. Should I be worried?
Q. Wow, I thought you’d say no.
Q. Yes, I did. And then you said no. Just now.
Q. So wait…you’re not saying there’s nothing to worry about?
Q. You know, that reminds me of this grammar lady in Lockport who’s always saying stuff like “Two negatives make a positive but three negatives don’t make no sense nohow.”
A. You forgot the comma.
Q. This may be off topic, but suddenly I am reminded of the saying “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” So how many wrongs does it take?
A. The saying is two rungs don’t make a ladder.
Q. Just free-associating here. What about two rugs? What do they not make?
A. You’ll find that ladder is a suitable answer for any question that asks “What do two what-evers not make.”
Q. Whatever. Whatever. Okay, I see no ladder, so you’re onto something. But just to be clear: I should not be worried? Or I shouldn’t not be worried?
A. No. Yes.
Q. You know, when I was a kid I would tell my mother I was worried and she would say “Everything is going to be all right, so don’t you worry your little jelly doughnut head off.”
A. Classic doughnutpomorphism.
Q. She used to say I was her little creampuff. Or, I was so sweet, she wanted to eat me up.
A. That sounds like Munchinhousen by pastry.
Q. Anyway, ever since I left home I’ve kept my head on my shoulders and have never worried about anything.
A. You’re a lying fried cake.
Q. You don’t believe I kept my little doughnut head on my shoulders? Or that I never worried?
A. Is that jelly leaking out your ears?
Q. Okay. I admit that I wonder about worrying. For some reason, that gets me worrying about wondering.
A. I wonder if that’s because of your little head?
Q. I don’t wonder that. And just to be safe I don’t not wonder that. Because my head is no longer small. I don’t want to say it’s big or even very big. That would be immodest. Let’s just say it’s not so little anymore. And it has never been off my shoulders. Or even my neck. Not even once.
A. Pants on fire.
Q. You don’t believe me? Look, if my head had been off my neck, even just once, don’t you think I’d know it? In fact I’d be de–Oh geeze, my pants are on fire!
A. This is a no-pants-smoking zone.
Q. I’m not smoking. It’s this dude behind me in line. Hey buddy, you just set my pants on fire. You want to stand back a bit? You’re just lucky I carry a fire extinguisher everywhere I go.
A. A textbook example of a flaming doughnut hole.
Q. Him or me?
Q. By the way, have you ever heard that song “It takes a worried man to sing a worried song?”
A. The folk song. Sung by folks playing banjos. With plastic heads.
Q. Right. So here’s something I wonder about: what happens if you’re not worried, but you sing that song anyway? Just for grins.
Q. You’re saying you’d be struck by lightning?
Q. Then what are you saying?
Q. Me what?
A. Pants on fire.
Q. You aren’t saying…
Q. You do know that my fire extinguisher is empty?
Q. Um, should I be worried?
©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2018, all rights reserved.