It helps if your name isn’t Bob

There are two big things out there now. One of them is the constant need to assure everyone around you that you get it — usually when there are important things to be gotten and the reputation of your getfullness may be getting away from you.

Good news. You can ease the minds of colleagues by simply saying, after the colleagues shut up, “I get it.” Or sometimes, you can simply interrupt them to say “I get it, already.”

Remember, people just want to be certain that everyone is on the same page with it, leaving no lingering doubt. No longer is it sufficiently reassuring to tell people “I hear you.” Exactly what you hear may be ambiguous. It could be anything, from the accidental burrrrippofraaaack of a sudden adjustment way down there in one’s personal Tropic of Capricorn, to the sound of someone hitting someone else in the face with a sopping shower pouf.[1]

When you keep saying “I hear you,” or “I see your lips moving” it may cause others in the immediate got it community to wonder if you really do get it. It’s even worse when you say “I’m picking up what you’re laying down.” What will likely happen is that someone will say to you “See, I don’t think you do get it, Bob.”

It helps if your name isn’t Bob because then you can seize the initiative with “See, (or So,) my name isn’t Bob. That’s your name. I think. And you just don’t get it, do you…Bob…or whatever your name is?”

By the way, here’s a little known fact: You don’t actually have to get it to say you get it. Simply saying you get it is pretty much a prima facie case of simulating getting it or having gotten it. (Select only one.)

Sometimes you may find that someone got it in front of witnesses — who may or may not get it themselves, but who have removed suspicion from themselves as non-getters by bearing witness to the get of the previously mentioned getter who, in fact, may or may not actually get it, especially if someone is bearing false witness against their non-getting neighbor.

Got it?

I doubt it. Don’t you know you can’t bullshit a bullshitter? Go ahead, try it out in the field with any bull.

You still don’t get it, do you? You’re waiting for me to walk away so you can turn to that guy over there and say “Get a load of that biodegradable.” Only to hear that guy say “I didn’t bring my pickup truck. But if I did, I’d be picking up what you’re laying down and throwing you in with it.”

I guarantee that guy’s name might be Bob and he’s one of the ungettabulls of this land (not to be confused with deplorabulls or Ducks Without Lives.)

We live in dangerous times, when getting it is too often not got. Undoubtedly you’ve had the experience of mentioning it with discrete enunciation, only to hear someone say “Were you talking to moi? I missed that, silly. What was it again?” Or “I have beans in my ears and didn’t get that. Could you repeat it? Into my ear-trumpet?”[2]

And have you ever had to grit your teeth when you bleated it at the top of your lungs to the guy with beans in his ears, only to have him respond “That’s it? Duh! I got that years ago. By the way, would you like to buy a couple of magic beans?”

The second big thing out there today only makes sense if you get it. By it, I’m not talking about the it I was just talking about, i.e. the getting it it. I’m talking about the other big it. I do hope you’re getting this because my time is unvaluable.

So here’s the other big thing out there:

Sex.

So, (or Look, or Dude, or So look dude) either you get it or you don’t get it. And if you don’t get it pretty soon, you may never get it. Just sayin’.[3]

1.Yes, sadly, that’s what it’s called. Don’t blame me. I would have called it a “Weird looking spongie thing.”
2. Confusing that with it is like confusing a horse with a llama of a different color.”
3.”If you’re slurping up what I’m ladling into your bowl.”

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2018, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of) and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to It helps if your name isn’t Bob

  1. Richard Carroll says:

    PMcG: Greatly enjoyed this piece, one of many of which I’ve failed to respond. Sitting in a bar in San Francisco on a cloudy wonderful day. Keep ‘em coming.

    Rich Carroll

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Like

  2. Anonymous says:

    What? I don’t get it.

    Like

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