Q. Is that even a thing?
A. Which that are you talking about?
Q. That thing right there. I mean, if it is a thing.
A. Okay, first thing you need to know about things: you have to distinguish between a thing and a thang. They are not the same. Just because Donald and Daffy have the same last name, they are not the same duck.
Q. How do you tell things and thangs apart?
A. Think of it this way. A thing is a do-dad, a balloon animal, a shell casing, a poo poo platter. It’s tangible. A thang, however, is kind of shapeless, more like a situation, or an argument. Even an accusation. One guy says to another “Say there amigo, just what kind of thang are you trying to lay on me?” Or some guys’ girlfriend says “You call that a thing? I’ve seen longer hyphens, you thang head.”
Q. How about a national emergency?
A. A classic thang. Hundo P.
Q. Sounds simple and yet, preposterous.
A. But be careful. Philosophers believe that sometimes you’ll come across what they call a dang thang. They are hard to describe. It’s basically when an illusionary thing smacks head on into an attitudinal thang. The best example is silly putty. Or a toupee. Or doing the hokey pokey.
Q. So what about that thing over there?
A. You mean that dang wall thang between Mexico and the U.S.?
Q. Yes, it seems somewhat fake. It’s like somebody went to Home Depot and bought a bunch of slats. And then went to a bar and left the slats in the men’s room.
A. It’s what we call an invisible border wall. It’s meant to keep out invisible immigrants who rob, steal, rape and murder.
Q. If they’re invisible, what’s the wall for?
A. One of Einstein’s most important laws of physics states “One invisible thing cannot exist without a second, linked, invisible thing.” See, one offsets the other. For example, Einstein notes that his formula E=MC2 is pretty much invisible. But it is linked to a natural, invisible partner: Rex, the wonder weasel. (Many scientists accept Einstein’s MC Hammer deal, but complain that wonder weasels are completely visible, making the whole thing a thang.)
Q. Do you have some kind of I.D. I could see?
A. Meanwhile, in real life, if you want to stop a horde of invisible thieving, murdering immigrants, you need an invisible wall. A long one, to be sure. It keeps nature in balance with itself. The nice thing is that an invisible wall can be made of steel or concrete or popsicle sticks. It can even be in your mind, if you have one. If not, you can get one on e-bay.
Q. Is that the same as calling it a pretend wall?
A. No. A pretend wall is make-believe. Whereas an invisible wall is an alternate truth. The thing about truth is that if the actual truth is at the gym or has left word not to be disturbed, the alternate truth steps up. It carries on just like regular truth.
Q. What if alternative truth seizes power and has actual truth arrested. Would that be a thing or a thang?
A. Neither. When alternative truth takes over in a naked power grab, it’s called a thong.
Q. Are there lyrics?
A. Only if it’s a thing-thong
©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2019, all rights reserved.