Q. Do you think Dave is the right person to be in charge of raisins?
A. What? Who is Dave?
Q. He’s the produce manager down at our supermarket. I thought you would have known that.
A. Do you know how many Daves there are in this world?
Q. Well, no, but if you boil it down to how many Daves run a produce department and who seem to be having trouble keeping raisins in stock…
A. Oh, that Dave.
Q. So you do know him?
A. No. That was sarcasm.
Q. And very hurtful, too. Did you know that sarcasm is like a knock-knock joke where nobody asks who’s there?
A. Knock knock.
Q. Who’s there?
A. No one is there.
Q. I don’t get it.
A. No, you don’t.
Q. Wow. So, getting back to Dave. I’ve been buying raisins for quite some time. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of those nut-ball raisin collectors. I actually buy the raisins to eat them.
A. I’m due a rest break in five minutes.
Q. Dave curates the raisins on the shelf next to the prunes and the trail mix and the dried frogs across from the deli. The raisins come in those roundish cylindrical boxes, like oatmeal or Durham’s Rock Hard Water Putty.
A. Did you say he curates dried frogs?
Q. Oops. I meant figs. The frogs are beyond curing, unfortunately — and Dave has tried a variety of cures, but you know how jumpy frogs get. Especially the dried ones. Not ready for prime-time ribbiting to say the least.
A. Could you try saying less than the least and move along?
Q. See, Dave is the main fruit and vegetable guy there. He knows everything from apples to zagnuts. Knows the right way to squeeze an avocado without making loud noises. He even knows the difference between bok choy and seedless tofu. He once survived an avalanche of those humongous jack fruit that he’d stacked in a very tall pyramid. Took them an hour to dig him out.
A. Have you ever heard the saying “Make a long story short?”
Q. So, to make a long story short, for the last 3 weeks Dave has been out of raisins. Cindy, from frozen foods, told me “I know it’s not my department but seven people have asked me this morning why there aren’t any raisins in the raisin area over by the pyramid display of frozen oxen. Be careful.”
A. Is Dave, by any chance, related to you?
Q. No. But Dave is always friendly. And witty. The other day he said to me “How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck had a chain saw?” I said “I don’t know how to break this to you, Dave, but the woodchucks I know could never afford a chain saw. Their dental bills are too high.”
A. Did you hear that? It sounded like a super volcano exploding on its way to destroying life as we know it. Can I get back to you? I need to get over to the end-of-the world FAQ desk.
Q. Okay. Don’t worry about me. I’m just a traveler on life’s (detour ahead) highway. Just a singer in a (defunked) rock ‘n roll band. Just trying to make a few dimes to buy some raisins that are never there. NEVER! I’ll survive…maybe.
A. I knew you’d understand. I also knew I was bullshitting myself as soon as I thought that.
Q. Whatever. Don’t take any wooden lava.
©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2019, all rights reserved.
In the early eighties, Dave was the most popular masculine name. It now ranks second with more than 10 million. So I’m guessing there are probably more than one Dave running a produce department and having trouble keeping raisins in stock.
“So I’m guessing…”
Holy moley.Guessing? Guessssssing?
We deal only in hard facts here at Absurd Industries, Inc. True, sometimes one fact is harder than others. Sometimes softer. Sometimes as soft and chewy as an oatmeal cookie. Sometimes as soft as the inside of a cannoli (or creme brulee). It’s time we stopped guessing at the nature of facts and started eating them. So tell all those other Daves to eat it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Soft yet firm. The inside of a crème brûlée is my favourite part.