Q. I heard the lieutenant-governor of Texas say there are more important things in life than living.
A. Like what?
Q. That’s what I wanted to ask. What’s more important than living?
Q. No. Because, see, hockey falls into the living category. You have to be alive to play it or watch it or to hit someone in the Oh No Zone with your stick.
A. Does that include driving the Zamboni?
Q. So I tried to make a list of things more important than living.
A. I hope drinking beer is on that list.
Q. Again, you can’t drink beer if you’re not living.
A. You mean if you’re not living right.
Q. Not even if you’re living left.
A. You mean like communists?
Q. Communists, Nazis, Circus clowns. I hate to say they’re all the same, but the one thing they all have in common is the need to be alive when acting like A-frames.
Q. Use your imagination
A. I would, but I lent it to my brother and he took it on a magical mystery trip.
Q. Have you ever taken a magical mystery trip that wasn’t so magical?
A. Like when I got arrested that time at an Orioles game for impersonating a nudnik?
Q. Uh, not really.
A. Yeah, you’re right. That was a whole different ballgame.
Q. So, back to my list of things more important than living.
A. You have a list?
Q. It’s a pretty short list. The only thing left other than living is dying.
A. Wait a sec. What about living large?
Q. And then croaking because you get too large?
A. You are a killjoy, aren’t you?
Q. Speaking of being killed, have you ever been dead?
A. That’s kind of a personal question.
Q. Not if you’re dead.
A. All right. Every now and then I’ll wake up feeling dead from the hair down. If you know what I mean.
Q. Sorry. I don’t have any hair left
A. You should get some.
Q. Gee, what a great idea.
Q. Let’s get back to being dead
A. It’s not one of my favorite topics.
Q. So, if being dead is more important than living…
A. I hope that’s not true because I’ve got a lot stuff going on this weekend. You’re making me worried.
Q. I would say the best argument that being dead is better than being alive is if you’re dead you don’t ever have to worry about getting dead.
A. Hadn’t thought of that.
Q. Because, to be dead, you first have to get dead. And that is the sticking point for so many people.
A. It’s a whole different popsicle.
Q. I’d like to hear what the Lt. Governor of Texas says about that.
A. I’ll bet he was just kidding
Q. I’ll bet it’s hard to convince the guy with the black robe and hood and sickle that you were “Just kidding.”
A. A whole different kettle of underwear.
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