Gorilla suit protocol (applies also to grizzlies)

Q. I’m thinking of robbing a bank. Should I wear a mask?
A. You mean so nobody will describe you to a police artist for the wanted poster?

Q. I’ve got a gorilla mask leftover from Halloween. I wear that and the cops end up looking for a gorilla.
A. That’s all you have? The mask?

Q. Well, my mother made me a coronavirus mask and I thought I’d wear that too.
A. You mean on top of the gorilla mask?

Q. Hey, I know bank robbing is an anti-social thing. I figured a coronavirus mask might cancel that out. Thing is, I’m a little concerned my robbing friends will think I am caving to public pressure about Covid-19.
A. Reminds me of an old saying: if it looks like a gorilla, and smells like a gorilla wearing a Covid-19 mask, you’re having a bad dream. Wake up and go to the bathroom.

Q. That’s not very helpful.
A. Don’t you think your disguise would be more convincing if you were wearing the rest of the gorilla suit?

Q. Long story short – my mother sold my gorilla bottoms at a garage sale.
A. Why would anyone buy gorilla bottoms without the gorilla mask?

Q. First, without asking me, she sold the guy my best grizzly bear mask from last year’s “Wear a Grizzly Bear Suit to Work Day.” She threw in the gorilla bottoms as a value-added bonus.
A. Why would someone want gorilla bottoms with a grizzly bear mask?

Q. A good salesmom, never asks why someone is buying something. She just smiles and says “That looks fabulous on you.”
A. Should I ask why your mother didn’t just give him the grizzly bear bottoms with the grizzly mask?

Q. You shouldn’t ask that. Try to remember I am the Q and you are the A. Eh?Don’t try to be Qute.
A. Look, I…

Q. All right, all right. It was a mix and match sale. Happy?
A Did the guy know he was matching the wrong bottoms with the wrong top?

Q. I think not.
A Reminds me of an old saying: There are none so blind as those who cannot see.

Q. He might have been a tad blind. My mother said he put the bear mask on backwards.
A She didn’t tell him it was on backwards?

Q. I think not.
A. Is your mother, um, blind, too?

Q. She’s been diagnosed with degenerative Venetian blinds. She’s very sensitive about it.
A. Then how did she know he’d put the bear mask on backwards?

Q. The guy’s dog barked.
A. He had a seeing eye dog?

Q. It was one of those bear-herding dogs. They bark a lot, especially during the annual bear drives.
A. What does that have to do with anything?

Q. The guy couldn’t get the mask off. He was pulling and screaming and he turned around and around in a tizzy. That’s when the dog barked. Ever since Trump, he hates tizzies. Then, in a way only possible with backward masks, the guy faced my mother.
A. So you’re saying that, even with Venetian blinds, she knew an ass when she saw one?

Q. You’re mocking my mother.
A. But what if witnesses don’t fall for the gorilla thing? Won’t they say the robber was just some idiot in a gorilla mask with some hilariously wrong bottoms?

Q. Now you’re calling me an idiot
A. You know what they say. If the foo sh***, wear it.

Q. You mean if the shoe fits, wear it?
A. Only an idiot would confuse a foo with a shoe.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2020, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in Absurd and/or zany, F.A.Q., Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of), The human comedy and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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