This coronavirus written test is for those too squeamish to have a goal post stuck up their noses and twirled like a swizzle stick. (That’s right, some people have more than one nose. Your point?)

In 500 words or less, explain why you, of all people, for crap’s sake, will never get the coronavirus and shouldn’t have to wear a mask or stay six feet away from grave diggers. Avoid using gratuitous scientific references such as coronavirus, Covid 19, germs, kornteen, breathing, Rav 4, banjo rasgueado, science, nostril insurance, Indy 500, sand hanitizer, lungs.

 Some helpful examples:

• So, my mother said I didn’t have to get tested if I didn’t want to. And I don’t want to. And you can’t make me, because this is America and I can grab women by the crotch if that’s what I want. By the way, just so you know, I like ketchup on my steak and  mustard in my hair.

• I don’t think I should have to take a test. Everyday, I look very hard at the air around me and I don’t see anything that looks like those little circles floating around people’s heads. Here’s a question: why are they always circles? How about squares or rhombuses? When you think about it, wouldn’t triangle-shaped circles be harder to get inside your nose?

• The last time I took a test to see if I had a disease, you weren’t allowed to brag about the size of your testing kit. I did anyway and all the doctors were amazed. I’m now in the Guinness Book of World Records. The hard back.

• Last night I had 19 Coronavirus Lites and I specifically asked them 19 times to hold the damn limes. But they don’t listen. Hey, nobody wants fruit in their beer, just like nobody wants a burrito grande for dessert. How can you confuse a burrito with a sopaipilla? And don’t tell me it has something to do with drinking 19 Coronavirus Lites (hold the farouking limes!)

• Okay, I’m a make this short. That Covid-19 is phony as a five dollar bill (I only like money with pictures of presidents who didn’t get assassinated.) The whole thing is a plot cooked up by the all powerful Armed Robbery lobbery. If everybody’s wearing a mask, it’s hard to tell the good guy with a gun anything. Advantage robber.

• Hey, this is America. I have rights, you know. I can go where I want I can breathe on anybody I want. And they can breathe on me (as long as they use mouth wash.) If I get sick and spread it to someone else they have a right to sue. If I get sued, I get sued — although you should know I have a kick-ass lawyer whose mother calls him The Kracken. If I get sick, I get sick. If I die, I die.  If I get buried, I get buried. If I get buried alive, I get buried alive. If I get cremated I get cremated. If I get cremated alive, well jeezy weezy, I guess I get cremated alive. If I go to hell, I mean what the hell, I just got cremated alive how much worse can it get? (Note: the only benefit of anything getting worse is it can’t get any worse.)If I go to heaven (very doubtful) I go to heaven and I head for the nearest all-you-can-eat meth lab. If it turns out there is no meth lab in heaven, no heaven, no God, no hell below us, well, I am screwed. If I’m screwed, I’m not a happy camper. Look, there’s only so much you can put up with. That’s the one drawback of the American way. Too often, it is what it is. Which means before it’s too late to make America great again, let loose the Kracken.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2020, all rights reserved.