Q. I have heard people say “It’s a great time to be a conspiracy nut.” Is that true? If so, how can I get involved? A. A lot depends on your comfort level in being associated with nuts.
Q. Most people I know already think I’m nuts. A. Be careful. There’s quite a difference between someone who is nuts and someone who is just a nut.
Q. That sounds a little nutty. A. Maybe. But there are more nuts out there now than ever before. Some of them are just out-and-out fruitcakes.
Q. You mean they are nuts about fruitcake? A. Not necessarily. Some people are nuts because they like eating fruitcake.
Q. You can eat fruitcake? A. Only if you’re nuts.
Q. But seriously. A. That’s the trouble with most rumors and conspiracies. People take them so seriously. As if they were facts instead of just ghost stories made up around a camp fire to scare people. Trouble is, there’s always some nutball who doesn’t get the word and actually eats the fruitcake. Somebody always ends up crying and/or barfing and then crying.
Q. So, I was thinking of starting a conspiracy rumor of my own. A. Does it involve Hillary? Because you can’t have a conspiracy without Hillary behind it.
Q. Well, no. I was going to start a rumor that Christopher Columbus is dead. A. But Columbus is dead. Has been for 500 years. That isn’t a rumor. It’s a fact.
Q. Did Hillary kill him? A. No, but good question.
Q. It sounds like a fake fact. A. Call it what you will, but there’s really no such thing as a fake fact. By its very definition, a fact is a fact. If a fact is fake it’s a fake fact, but still a member of the — it goes without saying — dysfunctional fact family. Do I make myself clear?
Q. In fact, no. Are you forgetting about the parable of the burrito? A. Never heard of it. It sounds fake.
Q. But what if someone sells you a burrito that is nothing more than a soft taco disguised as a burrito and sold as a burrito — are you saying it’s still a burrito because a burrito is a burrito? A. That sounds like a classic case of an alternate burrito.
Q. Would you call a fake burrito a fake fact? A. All I know is that purveyors of soft tacos are enemies of the people.
Q. That sounds a little extreme. A. Don’t forget, enemies of the people have the salsa of the innocent on their hands.
Q. Erm, could we talk about factoids? A. Did you just say erm?
Q. Erm, no. Why? A. There’s a new conspiracy going around that says Irish supremacists are secretly trying to pervert the English language. They’ve already started by subtly changing the word “um” to “erm.”
Q. Did I say erm? I meant, erm, um. A. Of course, erm was one of Stalin’s favorite words.
Q. Um, wasn’t he a communist, or a ventriloquist or some kind of ist? A. Not if you ask Hillary. He was a simple holy man just hanging around trying to make a few roubles. Supposedly, ahem, mistakes were made. When he died, he was canonized as St. Alin.
Q. Um, is that a factoid? A. Factoids can be tricky. People who are hungry for facts often confuse a factoid with a factotum. For example “Toity toid and toid” is a de facto fractile factoid of a factotum’s street address. Nothing fake about that.
Q. Right. I can see that. There’s a lot more to being a conspiracy nut than I thought. A. It’s hard enough just being a nut.
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