Coming up short

This may not be important, but don’t you suppose at some point in history somebody, somewhere was out of sorts because he was out of shorts?

If you are in charge of shorts at your domicile, you’ll be aware that the first question you ask a shorts-wearer coming up short should be “When you say you’re out of shorts, does that mean you checked the shorts basket?”

The shorts wearer in need of shorts may say something like “Well of course I checked the shorts basket. I’m not stupid, you know.”

Often, a nice diplomatic rejoinder to this comment is “No, that’s the first I’ve heard of your stupidity.” If you’re feeling the starch in your own shorts you might add, sotto voce  “Today.”

Sometimes, as you are no doubt aware, the shorts needer hasn’t actually checked the shorts basket. Often this comes from rank stupidity or just fake oh-no-I-forgotfulness.

Too often this is backed up by the clumsy playing of a bogus sincerity card, i.e., a cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die promise — should the sincerity turn out to be fake, which of course it will.

It should be noted that one can only hope to die — with or without a crossed heart —  only so many times, before some busy, heavenly numerary, pressed by The Big Steamer Himself-Herself-Theyself, takes the shorts needer seriously and issues a Croak Order. Not only is the order irrevocable, but it leaves the needer dead in, well, infragrant delicked toe shorts. IYKWIMAITYD.*

Knowing this, the cross-my-hearter will sometimes try a pre-emptive, simulated claim of mental-health-to-go strategy, by blurting an immediate “Sorry-Dude-temporarily-lost-my-mind-and-hoping-to-not-die-heh-heh.”  

However comma while it is one thing to speak of shorts in or not in the shorts basket, it is quite another to speak of shorts in the geo-political context of the shorts drawer. For, as we all know, when you put one shorts drawer next to or on top of another you get drawers. Usually up the ying yang (formerly, the wazoo.) 

Those in charge of shorts at the domicile level are aware that the second question you ask a shorts-wearer coming up short should be “When you say you’re out of shorts, does that mean you checked your drawers drawer?”

The most common answer to this question – from data provided unsung domicile officials —  is a long pause, beginning with “Um,” and/or “Hummida hummida…”

Meanwhile, statistics compiled by the National Shorts Authority show that the contents of only 2.4 out of 10 shorts baskets in America’s laundry rooms are ever transferred into their assigned drawers.

The predictable result: unchecked shorts baskets and unfilled drawers. This suggests, according to Manly Male Man Magazine, a dangerous backup of shorts somewhere in the pipeline.

Perhaps you have seen the public service commercials on behalf of the American  Shorts Cleaners and Folders of Men’s Apparel (SHOCLAFOMA).** They are part of the desperate nationwide “Will you please put your drawers in your drawers for God’s sake” campaign.

By the way – and this, too, may not be important — six  out of ten shorts drawers contain drawers decorated with hearts and/or balloon animals. Which is a crying shame and no one can say if those are tears of woe or insane laughter.

*If you know what I mean and I think you do.

**Not to be confused with “Oklahoma” or even “They call the wind unbreathable” for God’s sake.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2021, all rights reserved.


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1 Response to Coming up short

  1. Gramps says:

    For a while there, I was worried about your mental health. No longer.


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