Behind the mayonnaise

Memo to self:

• Get a Nobel Peace Prize. Use it to attract banjo students.
• Work up an act and go on the road. Leave act behind.
• Become a genius. Tweet the word. Score a MacArthur genius grant.
• Invent some moves, the kind that make people say “He’s got the moves, all right.”
• Study war, then call press conference to announce “Aint gonna study war no more.” (See Nobel Peace Prize above).
• Twist and juke.
• Hire a Search Engine Optimization expert. Find out what that means and practice going “Ah, I see” or “Aha. I see.”
• Come to grips with lack of wealth
• Find podiatrist willing to power sand toenails.
• Invent better moves that show just how cool you are. No cross-dressing this time.
• Start flossing. Dental appointment in two days.
• Change age to 24. Get new jive.
• Buy into gluten-free crap.
• Get into habit of doing good and avoiding evil without getting them mixed up.
• Practice newest moves before actually laying them on humans. Hire a moves coach?
• Come to grips with lack of fame.
• Try at least three bites of asparagus. Swallow at least one.
• Pick a card, any card. Memorize it and put it back into the deck.
• Write a movie script about your life. Think of a good ending.
• Call Daniel Craig and offer him the part when Brad Pitt won’t come to the phone.
• Determine the exact dimensions of the strike zone. Text to all umpires.
• Pay monthly mortgage. For June, 2012.
• Become an icon.
• Figure out what art means. Write it down. Put it in wallet for emergency response to inevitable question at party “Why is that art? My dog could do that.”
• Launch new political party. Get nominated for president. Use publicity to attract banjo students.
• Take up spitting.
• Develop pictures from wedding in time for 47th anniversary.
• Change all passwords to something longer and more secure than “Hi.”
• Plant a radish.
• Get a radish.
• Prepare and rehearse believable denials of involvement in various social blunders, just in case. Hint: Cool moves would help here.
• Come to grips with serious lack of cool moves.
• Work more Pig Latin into daily conversation.
• Text ob-bay ylan-day to ose-lay the ustache-may.
• Cut back on belching.
• Inflate self-worth.
• Chew with mouth closed.
• Talk with mouth closed.
• Change all passwords to something shorter and less secure than kdsjebtpos.ajagf63o43;c-0ayuag.
• Cancel contract on brother-in-law who has now agreed to stop telling you that you’re an idiot (but may still think it.) This will mean paying a kill fee to the hit man. Make sure he understands that the first kill fee was for an actual kill which is now canceled. But this new kill fee doesn’t mean to kill, it actually means to not kill. Blame it on lawyers.
• Come to grips with no beer in fridge
• Stop encroaching into the neutral zone.
• Find out why you can’t always get what you want.
• Practice liking people.
• Remember to breathe.
• Look behind the mayonnaise in the fridge where you may have hidden an emergency beer.
•Find your inner child. Take him for a long walk. Never return.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2014, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in Absurd and/or zany, News You Can Use (Sort of), The human comedy and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Behind the mayonnaise

  1. Kathleen Brady says:

    I believe that working this list could save our country.

    Like

    • PMcG says:

      Had people read it before they voted, perhaps. Now the only thing that can save it is, um, gee, it was on the tip of my tongue. Uh…I’ll get back to you

      Like

  2. EdG says:

    You must have a huge refrigerator and a plentitude of post it notes to fit it all on the fridge door. Did the overflow go onto the back of the fridge?

    Like

  3. John says:

    I hope you were referring to a brother-in-law on Katherine’s side of the family.

    Like

  4. willow1945 says:

    Funniest one yet–still laughing!

    Like

  5. El Gallo says:

    Fantastick.

    Like

  6. marstokyo says:

    You kill me. Now where’s my kill fee?

    Like

  7. Don McRorie, his majesty says:

    you forgot to include: stop yelling at the TV weatherman,or computer monitor or the cat. Memo yourself that they either do not care what you think or they do not think you are important.

    Like

    • PMcG says:

      I never yell at the cat. Don’t have one. Don’t watch tv weather. But I do yell at my computer. It just doesn’t like me.
      Thanks for the birthday greeting. I forgot yours this year (and maybe last). So happy belated birthday. Hope you got good gifts like the new APBA cards.

      Like

  8. Don McRorie, his majesty says:

    I forgot to include this:
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY

    Like

  9. tenderlytina says:

    Hee hee, “remember to breathe” I sometimes have trouble with that one. It tends to make the world go all black.

    Like

    • PMcG says:

      Breathing is actually very beneficial to your health. Most people who breathe regularly are alive. Whereas, Statistics show that 100 per cent of people who don’t breathe are Zombies.Depends on what you want.

      Like

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