No matter how good, caring and friendly a doctor is, one still must negotiate the idiotsyncracies of the doctor’s out front peeps. Often they are as caring as the doc. But often they are as caring as a dead duck on a dock — as in this transcript of secretly recorded greetings from an actual doctor’s automated appointment line.

Hello, you have reached the offices of Doctors Zippidy, Doodah and Day

All of our operators are currently operating on someone. As you hold/continue to hold/hold until turning blue, rest assured that one word sums up how important we view your call: Meh.

To make your endless holding more endless we’re piping in confusion jazz that sounds like a piano, bass, drum and router grooving in a busy machine shop.  It’s really loud so hold your phone about two feet from your ear. Enjoy.

Please listen carefully as some of our prompts have recently been elected to Congress.

Press one to speak to our scheduling Nazi. Have all papers ready. No jokes about the accent. Right now all appointments are running a little behind. We’re almost up to 2013. Please hold your water.

If you are a pharmacy, press two.
• If you are a pharmacy and pressed two, press two again. We don’t just do this to patients. We screw with everybody.

• If you’re a hardware store pretending to be a pharmacy, send over a leaf blower. We’ll add it to the confused jazz feed.

• If you are a pharmacy calling because you can’t read our doctor’s handwriting on a prescription, you can press my plaid shorts.

If you’re calling for a prescription renewal, press three
• Hey. What happened to the prescription we gave you?

• Do you think we have nothing better to do than write you another prescription?

• That’s gonna be extra

If you’re calling to schedule an appointment
• Press four for Dr. Zippidy.

• Press five for Dr. Doodah. 

• Press six for Dr. Day By the way, Dr. Day recently lost his license to practice medicine, but wants to assure his patients that he is looking very hard for it, including down behind the sofa and at the Dead Bed Bug motor cabins. If you are assured, Press 33 and we can get you in to see him right away. He is in cabin 18 at the Bug. Ask for Marla.

If you’re calling because you’re really sick and need to see a doctor right away, press seven.
• If you pressed seven because you’re really sick, press seven again.

• One more time. Press seven, but really hard this time

• If you were really sick, you’d be dead by now. To end this call get the hell off the phone.

If you’re looking for a referral to another doctor press eight
• Let me ask you this: Did you ever stop to consider our feelings? I mean, in case you haven’t noticed, we’re doctors. What–you don’t like our bedside manner? Press nine.

• Oh, boo hoo. Keep pressing. Push if it makes you feel special.

• Ask yourself this: Why would we send you to another doctor who will get the fee we should get? Oh, because you need a specialist? Hey, most of us went to medical school. We can do anything other specialists can and not even cheaper or better. And we have  the entire set of Doctor Dave Does Doctor Stuff, except volume three, Dr. Dave Does the Digit.

• Oh good, you’ve decided to set up an appointment with one of our specialists. Choose from our menu of special specialties on special this week.
o Gored by a bull
o Anal cavity shoe removal
o Sudden Onset Stupidity
o Swallowed pride and prejudice
o Bean(s) in ear(s)
o What was I thinking syndrome
o Finger stuck in nose
o Ate my Odor Eaters

If at any time you wish to speak to a human being, press zero. Please note that some of our human beings have recently undergone a frontal lobotomy to give their voices that nice flat metallic sound lacking any sympathy and hope.

If this is a true emergency hang up and call an ambulance an ambulance.

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2014, all rights reserved.