ATTENTION READER: We have found below numerous words, phrases and ideas so offensive as to put the deeply constipated at risk for the spontaneous and painful delivery of a hippopotamus.

We have therefore drawn a line through inappropriate verbiage, nounage, adjectividge and cleavage, replacing them with language acceptable to cardinals with chauffeurs, nuns armed with semi-automatic yardsticks, and the lovable scamps  over at the Spanish Inquisition.

We’ve also removed the alleged funny parts. For it is written: “The road to hell is paved with laughter, hence the beer vendors every 200 feet. The road to heaven is paved with gold and goes past a tournament level golf course made of gold–which, ironically, makes putting hell. If you’re thirsty, though, they will give you, absolutely free, an ice-cold glass of gold.”

It is also written (although sometimes printed in finger paint) “Laughter is the second sign of the approaching Apocalypse. The first is the absurd and dangerous belief that, at any moment, a gorilla could walk into a bar and strike up a conversation with the bartender.”

In other words, if God wanted us to laugh, he would have made the world “funny ha-ha,” not “funny, my asteroid.”

—The Holy Jumping Blasphemy Police

Friends,

Don’t you just love a good Bible Farmer’s Almanac story?

Like the one where this really bad dude down in hell H.E. Double Toothpicks appears to Holy Moses Moley or Jericho or Possum whomever, and whines about how hot it is and if only somebody would drip one measly drop of water onto his tongue.

Holy Moses Moley drips one drop of water out of his Sky Mall canteen and the guy slurps it up. Holy Moses Moley says Adios “Gotta went, dude.”

The guy says “What? Looketh, nobody dripeths just one dropeth of water on a guy burning upeth in hell H.E. Double Toothpicks. Unless they’re Members of Congress godless rappers or Kim Jung Un The Hamburglar. I mean, did you ever moweth the lawn and goeth inside for a glass with one dropeth of water? Geteth thy garden hoth and squirteth some real water down here. Prontoeth

And Holy Moses Moley says “Gotta see a man about a dog, dude. Have a nice day.”

Another fave of mine is when Jesus Bob and his mother  cousin Rhonda go to a wedding feast covered-dish supper at Cana the Dead Sea volunteer fire hall. And right in the middle of the feast  demo of the hook and ladder for Jesus Bob and his disciples crew, his mother cousin Rhonda comes over and whispers in his ear: “They’ve run out of wine. They’ve run out of ranch dressing.”

If it were you or me we would have said something like “Can’t they go with the bleu cheese? ”

But Jesus Bob is Jesus Bob. He knows this is the price you pay for being related to God Uncle Big Guy. He just nods and says to his mother cousin Rhonda “Where did you park the ass Jeep?” He drives off into a cloud of grasshoppers and comes back with one of those gigunda bottles of wine extra-virgin ranch dressing. The one with the two-handed pump.

Later, a guest says to the host “Most people put out their best wine, semi-virgin ranch dressing up front and save the bilge water cheapo store brand until the end when no one will notice.

“But you have saved your best until last, when everybody is so filled up on potato salad and bratwurst and gawumpies they couldn’t eat another bite. Nicely played. Ever think of trying that with ranch dressing wine?”

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2015, all rights reserved.