I’ve got your enormous butt

Dear readers of AHintOfLight

Please excuse Patrick for not posting to his blog the past two weeks. He has been in Disposed, Kansas, attending a workshop on the use of caution. As he is a painfully slow learner, we used some of our own caution and held him back a couple of weeks.

Our workshop is for motorists tired of highway signs that urge caution without further detail. Part of the problem is that highway department sign makers tend to assume we know basic things like left from right, the young Elvis from the old Elvis or the Holy Grail from Holy Jumboly.

Take the classic “No U-turn” sign. It seems to say that, while U-turns are illegal, there’s nothing wrong with A-turns, W-turns, I-before-E-turns or even complete word turns such as YIKES or NYUK NYUK. Wouldn’t a sign saying “No alphabet turns” be much safer? (Hint: The answer is yes).

Patrick came to us after passing a sign that warned “Work Zone ahead. Use caution.” He recalls turning to his woman, the legendary K-Mac of song and story, and saying “Here I am, using caution the whole time and I could have been darting in and out of traffic like an escaped convict on a Zamboni.”

To which K-Mac replied “But dear, why would a convict be driving a Zamboni?”

“How should I know?” yelled Patrick softly. “Maybe there was a hockey arena next to the prison. Maybe he was a Zamboni driver who got fired for running into the goalie on a power play. And the guy who replaced him was probably some dope named Mel who was the owner’s nephew. So he hijacks the Zamboni and runs Mel down between periods. When the players come out they see Mel, frozen and dead in the ice, but they just keep on skating because, hey, it’s hockey.”

K-Mac responded with one of those little frowns that can easily be misinterpreted as “I married a walnut.”

“Hey, I’m not saying it would happen,” said Patrick. “But it could happen.”

In fact, the use of caution is not as simple as saying “Watch your head” or “I’ve got your back and your enormous butt.” One size does not fit all. The caution required to keep the Titanic from hitting an iceberg is not the same as for cleaning out the lion cage at the zoo.

(The cautious Titanic captain would have required the crew to sing–every fifteen minutes–“Oh, yes, we won’t hit an iceberg; we won’t hit an iceberg today.”

The cautious zoo attendant makes sure the lion is not in the cage while cleaning. In rare cases when the lion refuses to leave the cage because he “Doesn’t feel like it,” the cautious attendant never vacuums too close to the beast and never asks him to “Lift up a leg, would you Sally?”)

Caution, as we know, is an invisible gas as plentiful in the atmosphere as oxygen or halitosis. It is one of the so-called “noble gases” such as Krypton (Kr), Xenon (Xe) and Leon (Le) that do not make a rude noise unless stepped on. In fact, noble gases smell a little like bacon, although, granted, Canadian bacon.

For maximum results, we find that caution must be absorbed in a concentrated form. One common method involves squeezing the rubber bulb on a gravy baster and then releasing it to draw in concentrated caution. You then squirt the invisible caution all over yourself and/or a loved one.

Make sure you get all the odd corners and rivulets of the human body. There’s nothing more useless than left over caution (or Canadian bacon to be honest).

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2015, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in Absurd and/or zany, News You Can Use (Sort of) and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to I’ve got your enormous butt

  1. roseannadana says:

    First of all, I like walnuts, and secondly, upon hearing “Canadian bacon,” it sent my mind swirling back to the years of our youth…..did Dad really go on fishing trips in Canada, with other men….. now that would be our Dad, who wore his fedora pretty much all the time….and then we’re talking fishing poles, vulgar words, probably even BURPING and the other end one, and camaraderie and belly laughs….perhaps he gave it up for Lent or even better perhaps he went as a penance for Lent…what sat ye?

    Like

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