Loose screws

When I awoke this morning, I glanced at the sports page and discovered I am still mathematically alive.

I went to have my blood drawn. The artist on duty suggested water colors because she likes the way they bleed.

Out through the back door of Rose’s I ran, out where the horses were tied. I caught a good one, he looked like he could run, up on his back and away I did fall on my whoopie cakes. Forgot the dang saddle.*

I don’t often admit this, but I was very young when I was a kid. Heck, there was a time, for about 12 months, when I was only four years old. Is that crazy or what?

I wondered “What is the difference between a real man and a real rich man?” After giving it some thought, I stopped wondering.

You oldsters out there might want to read the bestseller by the late Robert Kardashian, esq. “Trouble At The Pearly Gates: When to call a dead lawyer.”

It pays to be observant. But be advised: they still take taxes out.

When birds tweet, it proves that they are self-aware. They understand choices. They can dig worms or dig the jazzy vibe they are laying down. If birds can be self-aware, why can’t we?

If I were you I’d change your name and your Christmas wish-list to mine.

Have you ever barked up the wrong tree? Have you ever barked up the right tree? Have you ever had your snout rapped with a rolled up newspaper and been told NO! Are you a dog? If not, a piece of advice: lose the bark, go with the bite.

Have you ever been beside yourself with excitement? With anyone else?

Have you ever felt miserable and looked out the window and seen your freeloading in-laws pull into the driveway unannounced? And wondered why they say misery loves company?

Is jetsam the type of plane assigned to Sam? Does flotsam mean Sam’s last name is Flot? Does Samsonite mean Sam’s boy has already eaten dinner in Australia? Does Samsung really mean Sam sang but somebody was out sick the day they discussed the concept of participles?

You often hear it said about a person that he or she was the Class Clown. But you never hear about someone being the Class Actuary.

Have you ever beaten a dead horse…in backgammon? Feel pretty good about it, did you?

Have you ever been told to hold that thought? Yes, but do they ever tell you when to stop holding that thought? Are you still holding it? Go ahead, you can put it down now.

Have you ever been told to hang on but never told specifically what to hang onto? Have you ever been told to “Just let it go,” or “Drop it, ” without further explanation? Have you ever dropped it on someone’s toe and been called a jerk and when you blubbered an apology, the toe owner said “Get lost.” Have you ever been found?

Have you ever dreamed the impossible dream? Have you ever watched a car commercial that promised you would get “the fuel economy you dream of.” Was that your impossible dream? Now what?

Have you ever been elected to Congress and found yourself alone in your office, looking out the window, thinking “What does Congress do again?”

I went to see my urologist. I waited so long I had to use the men’s room. Five minutes after I came out, the doctor was finally available. I was handed a cup and sent to the men’s room. I’m still there, right now. Waiting for the sound of music.

*Apologies to Marty Robbins, writer and singer of the classic cowboy song El Paso

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2015, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of) and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Loose screws

  1. John J. Hennigan says:

    Any particular in-laws in mind?

    Like

  2. edg says:

    Why do you take off in a plane on a runway? and not a flyway? Remember, ” a wet bird never flies at night.” ( Shecky Greene … Deceased)

    Like

    • PMcG says:

      Jackie Vernon, not Shecky. He too has gone off on the flyway

      Like

      • edg says:

        You are correct Oh Mr. Gypsy Boots ( Steve Allen regular). An ode to Mr. Vernon we present a classic Vernonism,One of his early bits was the “Vacation Slide Show.” There were no slides visible; they were presumably offscreen as he described them, using a hand-clicker to advance to each “slide”:

        (click) Here I am, tossing coins at the toll booth.

        (click) Here I am, under the car, looking for the coins.

        (click) Here I am, picking up a hitchhiker.

        (click) Here I am, hitchhiking.

        (click) Here’s the hitchhiker picking me up with my own car. Luckily, she didn’t recognize me

        Little known info: Professor Irwin Corey also used the phrase and is still with us at age 100 and has never answered : Why does the bird fly not fly when wet? I will ask the Trumpster!

        Like

  3. roseannadana says:

    OMG there is another person out there like you…I fear the end times are close….I’ll drop it for now……:)

    Like

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