How to open an English muffin

Step 1. Get an English muffin. Now.

Step 2. Stand near a window so you can see what you’re doing. Make sure you are decent.

Step 3. Hold the muffin in one hand by its edges and gaze upon it as if you were assessing the tread on a stolen tire from a little red wagon. If a red wagon is unavailable, pretend you are gripping a stolen whoopie pie.

Step 4. Using your other hand, gently rotate the muffin clockwise as if you were unscrewing the top on a jar of pickles–but not a jar that hasn’t been previously opened. Opening a previously unopened jar of pickles takes super-human strength, the grinding of molars and many, many, many ejaculations of Jesus, Mary and Joseph Magillicuddy!*

This often triggers the onset of madness and/or the sense that an inner wall of your intestine has blown out. Per the instructions on the pickle jar, pull up your shirt/blouse/scales and look for a small bump-out in your Tropic of Cancer. If you see nothing, quit whining.

However, it may appear as if a fat gerbil has suffered a fatal coronary inside your out-goes-the-bad-air channel. An indelicate image, to be sure. It may help to think of it as a leg on a pair of your long johns. If long johns are contrary to your beliefs or in the wash, you may think of a pair of panty hose.

Whichever, the fat gerbil inside is still dead and not moving. And, don’t forget, imaginary. As is your emergency trip to the Hernia department at your closest Intestinal WalMart.

Step 5. The purpose of rotating the muffin is to find the invisible line (think of it as an equator) that separates the top half of the muffin from the bottom half. When you divine its presence, take a Sharpie and draw a line around the perimeter of the muffin. This makes the equator really pop.

Step 6. At this point you need help. Serious help. Call for a volunteer among the residents of your home. (Not the dog). Pick the one who most closely resembles K-Mac, if not K-Mac herself.

Have her stand facing you. Have her raise her hands to eyeball height and extend the index finger on each hand so they are pointing at each other and are about a quarter-inch apart.

She should move the two pointing fingers to about an inch in front of her eyes. She should now see a floating Vienna sausage in between her two fingers. If she sees a floating Vienna Boys choir, consider having a donut and a shot instead.

Step 7. Place your muffin between her fingers–as if they are an axle on a motorcycle and the muffin is the wheel. Try spinning the muffin to make sure the fit is correct. If incorrect, try throwing a fit.

Step 8. Take your Dremel tool and attach one of those mini cutting wheels. Turn it on to high (or 11). Start spinning the muffin. Hold the screaming cutting wheel against the equator so that the spinning muffin does all the work. (Side note: Poor Dremel. Every time he goes out, some bone head shouts “Hey Dremel, how’s your tool?”)

Step 9. Almost done. Take a clean crowbar and insert the flat end into the equatorial crack. Gently pry the northern hemisphere from the southern hemisphere. Enjoy!

Be sure to look for the next in our “How to” series: “How to open an account in a river bank.”

*(300 days off your Purgatory stay, when dead. Act now! Operators are standing by).

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2015, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in Absurd and/or zany, funny, News You Can Use (Sort of), The human comedy and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to How to open an English muffin

  1. PMcG says:

    There’s not enough here to read between the lines, so I’m reading between the words. So far, I like it. Thanks.


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