Bear unzipped

Two guys are walking down a street in Iowa. To avoid lawsuits, we’ll call them the first guy and the second guy (not their real walking guy order).

First guy says “Have you decided who you’re voting for?”

“The Idiot,” says the second guy. “And you?”

“Probably The Clown. Although I’m intrigued by The Berserker.”

“What about The Fool? Did you see where he said if he were elected he would make it illegal to be smart?”

“Right. And not even a little bit. He said two and two was going to be five in his administration.”

“The man has a huge pair of cojones.”

“Although, in his administration that will be a huge trio of cojones.”

“What a fool.”

“Speaking of which, I went to a speech last night by The Religious Nut.”

“Which one?”

“The Borneo tallow nut.”

“Yeah, I got stuck in an elevator once with him. Started speaking in tongues. Sounded like Shirley Shirley, bo Birly, Bonana fanna fo Furley Fee fy mo Mirley, Shirley.”

“Well, last night his tongue said the first thing he’d do as president was deport all the Presbyterians.”


“Too hard to spell.”

“He is so right,” says the first guy.

“Extremely right.”

“Tonight I’m going to a meeting of my ‘Hope for Dopes’ club. The Sleazebag is the featured speaker.”

“He’s someone I’ve been watching.”

“I think the FBI is watching him too.”

“I suppose he’ll be bringing along his sleazy demeanor?”

“One can only hope.”

“Because it’s the Hope for Dopes club, right?”

“I don’t follow.”

“No,” says the second guy. “Of course you don’t.”

“What about The Woman? Have you heard her talk?”

“I don’t think she has a chance.”



“Excellent point. Hadn’t thought of it that way.”

“It’s a good way to think. If you’re into thinking.”

“Which I’m not. It’s too…”

“Thought provoking?”

“You are correct, sir.”

“Hey, I forget which guy I am. The first or the second?”

“The guy writing this told me I was the first guy.”

“You actually spoke to the blogger guy?”

“Sure. I live in his mind. Right next door to those two bears who keep walking into bars.”

“I thought it was gorillas who walked into bars.”

“In fact, I was in a bar yesterday when a black bear walked in and ordered a beer.”

“What did the barkeep say?”

“He said they only served polar bears.”

“Wow. Wait ’til Al Sharpton hears about this. What did the bear do?”

“He unzipped his bear suit and revealed he was a polar bear in disguise.”

“How awkward for the barkeep.”

“Yes, he started hemming and hawing and then went back to hemming a tasteful prom dress. That’s when the bear unzipped again and revealed himself as The Crackpot.”

The Crackpot! He must have been very sweaty, wearing two bear suits over his clothes.”

“He wasn’t wearing any clothes. He was…well, bare.”

“You are pulling my Wankel rotary engine! Not even The Crackpot would go that far.”

“He went further than that. He ran outside the bar, pulled a gun from the nether region of his bareness and shot the first person he saw.”

Gasp! Guess that takes The Crackpot out of the race.”

“Not at all. His poll numbers went up 27 points.”

Zounds! But, wait. Why am I surprised? You know what they say…”

“Yes. ‘Extremism in the defense of liberty wears no pants and packs heat.’”

“That settles it. I’m voting for the crackpot.”

“We all are.”

©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2016, all rights reserved.

This entry was posted in Absurd and/or zany, Mockery and derision, News You Can Use (Sort of) and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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