Q. What is malfeasance?
A. Technically, it’s the act of feasing someone named Mal. Not to be confused with Melfeasance.
Q. Why not?
A. Mel doesn’t like to interact with anybody else’s fease.
Q. Wouldn’t that fall under the category of tough toenail?
A. Apparently you’ve never met Mel.
Q. Are we talking about Mel Gibson?
A. Speaking of malfeasance.
Q. You make it sound like it’s a crime to fease.
A. What do you think the F stands for in FBI?
A. Nice mouth.
Q. Are you feasing with me?
A. You really don’t know anything about feasing, do you?
Q. Why else do you think I came to this FAQing fease stand?
A. Look, I didn’t make up the feasance rules.
Q. Who did?
A. That would be the Feasance brothers. There were four of them, but one is now a sister. Long story. Anyway, she broke away and founded Misfeasance.
Q. Which reminds me. What about nonfeasance?
A. Completely unrelated. It means coming back empty-handed from a pheasant hunt.
Q. I’m confused. Or should I say confeased?
A. Confeased is not a word. Although…now that I think of it, confeased may be the best word to describe you.
Q. Give me some examples of how to use fease in a sandwich.
Q. I mean sentence! Sorry, I missed breakfast.
A. Just think of fease as the five-letter word that is the new four-letter word. For example:
- Oh, fease me
- That fease-head
- What a fease-knuckle
- I am feased and far from home
- Get the fease out (aka GTFE. Say GIT-fee.) Not to be confeased with “get the fease out of here” (GTFOOH Say GIT-foo)
An improper use of the word fease would include:
- fease and ferrets (making fun of peas and carrots)
- my dog has fease
- set your feasers to stun
- the bees fease
- the fease knees
- the fease fease
- the feaster bunny
- he won the Nobel prize in Pheasics
Q. What is the origin of fease?
A. Back when the Puritans practiced safe sex by not having any, there were one or two rebels who pushed the philosophy of dangerous sex. This was defined as having sex with someone in the same room as you.
A. I Kid You Not (IKYN, Say ICK-in). As it happened, two Puritans were caught being dangerous in the kitchen with the salami.
Q. What happened to them?
A. They were clapped in wooden stocks on the village square. People mocked them, they hurled insults, abuse, unshelled edamame.
Q. Is that where the term stocks and bondage comes from?
A. Everybody knows that. So, anyway, they put a sign above the stocks so people would know what they’d done.
Q. I bet it said something like “She wanna be his dawg.”
A. That’s a negatory. Normally, the sign said Thief, or Adulterer, or Comedian. But there wasn’t an easy way to use just one word to describe their sin without stirring up prurient puritan perfidy. (Known then as pruperfidating.)
Q. Which eventually led to computer dating, right?
A. Must…call..security…So, they wrote just the initials of their sin. Those initials happened to be…
A. Say what?
Q. “Sittin in the la la, waiting for my ya ya…”
A. Earth to Uranus: Your ya ya aint coming. And the sign said F.E.A.S.E.
Q. You mean, of course, For Entertaining A Suspended Endocrinologist.
A. Nope, dope: For Eating A Salami Enchilada.
©Patrick A. McGuire and A Hint of Light 2013-2016, all rights reserved.